(2018 OLD) alone; verkwan

☁ you need rest ☁

                                                                                  Edited - 03.02.18

it's been about a week and seungkwan feels like he's floating. the bliss of hansol's friendship and the safety he feels can't compare to his life before hansol.

hansol was his late nights and deep talks over coffee. hansol was his fresh air and calm days. hansol was all that made him feel like he was loved.

seungkwan's an only child. his parents shipped him off when he was 16, he's always been alone. but never really lonely. his parents care about him and he's always been popular. he's never been lonely or unloved. yet the way he feels with hansol feels more than friendship. it feels more than love. hansol makes him feel worth everything he's been given in life. hansol makes him feel like there's someone who cares about him more intimately than he's used to.

although seungkwan had always had friends he's never had something more. he's never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. people never wanted him like that. and he knows very well that hansol isn't his boyfriend. he knows that he and hansol are just friends dispute his want to be more. yet somehow having hansol's friendship feels like something deeper than he's had before.

---

hansol felt like he was drowning. he felt overwhelmed and like he had too much for once. hansol never felt like he had too much.

seungkwan was too much. not in a bad way though, seungkwan was overwhelming happiness. seungkwan was his constant source of happiness. seungkwan made him feel stable and at home. hansol never liked being in public very much. he preferred his home and his own space. but if seungkwan was by his side he could manage to be out of his comfort zone.

their friendship felt like it had been there for longer than it had been. it felt like they already knew every nook and cranny of one another's minds. hansol hated it.

he hated how he trusted someone so much and let them in so much. yet somehow he wasn't wary of having trusted seungkwan as much as he did. seungkwan was good for him and he knew it.

hansol had a large family and a younger sister. he was always surrounded by people. he's never been alone. but always kinda lonely. he knew what it felt like to be surrounded by so many people in one room he knew what it felt like to have people around you yet feel so out of place. in high school, despite his popularity, he didn't really have any real friends, just people who wanted to hook up with him. he always felt so disconnected from others, he was always trapped in his thoughts or worries. always wanting to be good enough.

seungkwan made him feel like he was finally enough and like he was stable. seungkwan made sure he was okay and made sure to make him feel better. seungkwan was a friend, a real one.

but something about seungkwan's friendship felt, odd. hansol doesn't have many friendships to compare seungkwan to but somehow their friendship feels different. should your friends make you feel like you've got butterflies in your tummy or make your chest feel tight when they smile? should friends make you feel complete and like they're the only person you could ever need in your life? hansol didn't know for sure, but how he felt about seungkwan was very different from how he felt about jisoo or mingyu

maybe this was that mingyu always spoke about when he mentioned wonwoo. mingyu always spoke so fondly of wonwoo and how wonwoo makes him feel. though hansol had never met wonwoo, he seemed really special to mingyu. and somehow his feelings to seungkwan related to those that mingyu described of wonwoo.

---

on friday seungkwan walks into the art studio as he skips through his spotify playlist and frowns as he sees a message from jeonghan pop up at the top of his phone.