Casting Moonshadows

79. Operation Recreate Goblin Battles

"Okay everyone!" Remus yelled. "Take your marks...get set...ATTACK!"

What followed was the kind of controlled chaos you can only get with four Marauders at the helm. The two little armies ran towards one another screaming goblin curses and battle cries with a gusto that made all Sirius's and James's hours spent in the library armed with a Gobbledegook-to-English dictionary worthwhile. Arcs of purple and orange paint rose out of the melee and after a few moments, glowing, sulky-looking little goblins could be seen stalking towards the Afterlife Tent at the end of the field.

To most people, what was going on in the field looked a lot like a heaving wave of childish paint-fuelled violence. Remus (along with an incredibly reluctant Lily) had, however, conducted a detailed study of goblin war tactics, and he was able to pick out moments when smaller groups of students broke away to employ the Ridgeback Pincer Attack of 1652 or The Underestimated Scarlet Underwear Stealth Operation of 1665. With a tap of their wands to two small charmed buttons on the tables in front of them, the two judges were able to update the points of each side so they appeared above the stands where Quidditch scores were usually displayed. They had roped in Frank Longbottom and Stephen Douglas to count dead people as they arrived in the Afterlife Tent and update the scores there as well.

It was about twenty minutes into the battle before two muddy-looking goblins from James's army managed to launch themselves monkey-like at Peter's platform. The reason why the red underpants they were wearing on their heads counted as historically accurate battle gear were best left, to Remus's mind, undisclosed. They scurried up the platform, ducking away from the arcs of paint aimed at them, but were soon being followed by three from Sirius's side. The audience cheered and booed as one of the underpants-clad goblins grabbed Princess Sordrella's hand and began yanking her down the platform. They had nearly reached the bottom when an arc of orange paint flew through the air and hit the little goblin square in the chest. He immediately began glowing and reluctantly abandoned the princess to stalk towards the Afterlife Tent. The audience cheered and booed, their reactions varying depending on where they had placed their money in the not-entirely-legal betting pools that had sprung up amongst the older students.

Sirius's young goblins, who had, as part of the Calculated Cucumber Confabulating Manoeuvre of 1670, strapped vegetables to their knees and elbows, seized on the chance to recapture Princess Sordrella and began dragging her towards their barracks. Princess Sordrella looked fairly murderous, but followed along agreeably enough, safe in the knowledge that every history essay for the rest of sixth year would be written by someone else.

This march towards victory, however, was disrupted by a clever reconstruction of the Twin Tortoise and Toothpicks Tactic that was masterfully executed by a couple of Ravenclaw and Slytherin goblins from James's side. While the ex-victors lay kicking and bellowing on their backs, unable to right themselves, James's goblins began herding Princess Sordella back towards their barracks.

The battle raged back and forth for another thirty minutes, the numbers of students on the field rapidly dwindling until at last only six of James's and four of Sirius's students were remaining. James and Sirius, in their role as King-Generals of their army, bellowed instructions which mostly went ignored as Sirius's goblins made a break for their barracks with Princess Sordrella (who was now beginning to wheeze asthmatically) in tow. They lost another two goblins to shots in the back, but James's goblins were just too far away to prevent them from making that final dive into their barracks.

The stands erupted in cheers as the numbers on the points boards rocketed up. They erupted even further when it became clear that even though Sirius's side had been the ones to successfully capture the princess, it was James's side who had achieved more points by a small margin.

"It was because of the Bowed Winkle Battle Manoeuvre they used in those first ten minutes," Remus overheard a third-year Ravenclaw say self-importantly to his clearly disappointed friend. "Otherwise your lads would have won hands down. Here, have a chocolate frog."

"We would have won if the Overthere Feint had worked," his friend said sulkily.

"I hate to break it to you mate, but no one over the age of three has fallen for the 'Look over there!' thing since wizardkind crawled out of enchanted caves dragging club wands and communicating with the word 'Ug'. It didn't work in the original goblin battle either."

"Well, well, Mr. Lupin," a voice said, making Remus jump and turn his attention away from the bickering students. He looked up to see Professor McGonagall lifting the hem of her skirt primly as she picked her way across the Ravenclaw stands towards him. "This event has certainly been...interesting."

"Well," he shrugged, looking down at the pitch, which had gone from battle-chaos to half-heartedly-cleaning-up chaos with James and Sirius still playing the role of generals. "It'll be cleared away. And I assure you that if any of those students down there sit the first year history paper for work covered over the autumn and winter terms they will all pass. Some of the more violent and inventive ones might even get full marks."

"It's certainly an unexpected sort of teaching method, but I can't argue with results," Professor McGonagall agreed, and there was no mistaking the Dumbledoresque twinkle in her eye.

Remus felt his lips twitch in return. "Did you know that most of those kids actually volunteered for history tutoring?"

"I had heard something to that effect, yes. I have also noticed a remarkable decrease in the level of pranks and general anarchy around the school since Potter and Black have taken up their tutoring roles."

Remus widened his eyes innocently. "Well, of course, Professor. You have to keep those first years busy or they get up to all sorts of mischief."

Her eyebrows disappeared into her hairline, but Remus had been a Marauder for years now and his expression never wavered. Eventually she shook her head and turned to look out over the field. "I sometimes wonder, Lupin, if you are not the worst of them all."

"I'm sure I have no idea what you're eluding to, Professor. I am a model student. Ask any of my teachers."

"Hey Moony-baboony!" Sirius yelled up from the pitch, voice magnified. Both Remus and McGonagall winced at the volume. "Get your arse down here and give us a hand with the clean-up, yeah?"

"Moony-baboony," Professor McGonagall repeated, completely straight-faced.

"It's my spy-name," Remus said, equally sober.

"I see. Very subtle."

Remus pursed his lips and turned his eyes to the sky.

"Well," she straightened and treated him to a curt nod. "Do carry on, Mr. Lupin."

"Will do, Professor."

She left and Remus let out a gust of breath. "Right then," he said. He turned towards the chaos and girded his loins. "Right then."