Rambling

Homesick

Am I able to imagine
Myself in my bed
Staring up at the glowing stars
A bed to my left and a chair to my right
The ceiling fan on high
The doors all closed
Windows never open even though I know they'll keep me cool

How can I explain this feeling of tightness in my chest every time I wake up to the ceiling 18in from my head

How do I cope with being so far from everything and everyone I've ever loved

Why is it that I wanted so badly to leave and never look back
When all I want now is to be back in my bed
At home

Where I know all the roads and the people
Where my accent is normal and the slang makes sense
Where I was miserable and in pain but at least I knew where I was

Now I'm stuck in this strange place with people I don't know and roads I've never seen

This strange place I yearned for when it was just out of reach

I'm not sure what this is but i don't want to feel it

It hurts so bad I wanna cry
Cry like I did when I was 7

I hate crying and I hate this feeling because I got so used to feeling nothing that I don't know how to cope with feeling anything at all

I just wanna be back home
Where the wind is so strong it knocks you off your feet and the only way to stay planted is to walk like you just peed your pants

I wanna be back home
Where my dead dog is buried in the backyard and I could talk to him when the need arose

I wanna be back home
Where I can drive for miles blasting my music and singing off key

I hate this dumb feeling and wish it would just disappear but all it has done is become stronger and more painful to ignore

I miss my bed and my house and my job and my life

But most of all I miss me

Because under all this homework, days without sleep, and too many skipped meals is a girl I hardly recognize

There's this smile plastered on her face so wide I think it might crack her in two
A small wave of black ink buried in her wrist and eyes so empty you'd think she wasn't a human at all

I miss me and I don't know how to get her back without going back to the place that made me hate her

I wanna gaze up at my stars and fall asleep knowing that I'm home

But I can't do that
Because home is 2,000 miles away