Sweetly Dan and Phil

Don't Scare Me!

PHIL'S POV

After about an hour of trying to focus, I set my head down on the desk and just sighed. I couldn't focus with all these thoughts of Dan and death and loss and just, everything about Dan and his words yesterday.

And yet, as I edited, I couldn't stop thinking about what would happen to Dan if I died. I wasn't worried about my family, surprisingly, even though I considered Dan more family than them sometimes.

Thinking about how my death would affect him made me immensely sad and I wanted to just run down the stairs and bundle myself into Dan's arms for as long as possible, just to feel safe again.

It was a strange feeling to think about yourself being removed from existence and only be worried about how one person would react. Slightly peaceful, but with a hint of fear and worry to match the feeling of loss.

Loss of life, yes, but mainly the loss of all the people and things and activities you loved to do, suddenly, just not being an option.

Trying to imagine 'Dan and Phil' just become 'Dan' and Dan having to be on his own once again, after all the childhood years searching for a best friend and all the problems I had to match his, although far less traumatizing. These thoughts made my stomach sink with fear and worry and my eyes tear up. I would never want Dan to feel like that. I'd do anything to keep him from feeling even a fraction of what I felt at this moment in time.

But every time my mind tried to broach the subject of Dan dying, I pushed it away. I couldn't deal with my heart breaking right now. Or ever.

Shaking my head, I tried to repress the thoughts that clouded my head like thunderclouds and finish my work.

After editing, I was feeling much better, so I went to ask if Dan wanted to go get bubble tea to celebrate finishing the video. "Dan?" I called out as I walked towards the lounge. "Dan? Do you want to get some bubble tea? I'm done editing." I called again, thinking he had his earbuds in and was listening to music or a movie or YouTube or something.

Entering the lounge, I realized Dan must have moved into his room sometime without me hearing him going up. I swear, sometimes that boy is a ninja.

Climbing our mountain of stairs once again, I finally reached Dan's black-and-nerd-sticker covered door opposite my own brightly coloured one, and knocked.

When no one answered, I gently pushed the door open to see nothing but Dan's neat room in shades of black, grey, and white.Dan's room was always meticulously clean and bordering on OCD, but Dan swore was just 'organized'.

After looking around the house for approximately half an hour, I finally found Dan leaning over our balcony railing. Leaning reallyyyyy far over the edge.

I was always scared for Dan. Even though logically I knew it would take something much greater then a silly fight between us to have him relapse into depression again and take it one step farther then he had the last time, I was still worried for the amazing person I shared my day to day life with.

Running towards the glass door, I flung it open and pulled Dan back by his shoulder, causing him to fall to the balcony floor with a look of surprise on his face.

"Dan! What the hell are you doing?!" I shouted at him, fear flooding my voice. Dan had never done anything like this before. Could yesterday's conversation really push him that far?

Staring up at me, he began to laugh. "Oh, Phil. Oh god, I'm so sorry. I'm just trying to see the cat in the downstairs apartment."

Even though he was laughing, I could tell he had seen the flash of worry and protectiveness that had crossed my face before he had explained.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I sank down to Dan who was still sprawled out from his fall and laughing lightly. "Daniel Howell." I chastised softly, shaking my head. "Don't ever scare me like that again or I'm going to murder you, I swear."

Now joining Dan in laughing at my stupidity, I realized that if Dan was so worried about me dying, there's no way in hell he would purposely leave me on my own.

Pulling Dan with me as I stood up, I told him how I had searched the whole house and how that was enough exercise for a year. "Do you (laugh) still want to get (laugh) bubble tea?" Dan said as we walked to get our phones.

Smiling much larger than usual, half in relief, half in amusement, I agreed.