philophobia//eddie kaspbrak

the game of life

Eddie's POV 

"...because I think it's time to come clean." I feel the words leave my lips as I observe he expression. She looks absolutely terrified. "But first... are you okay? You look sick." That didn't sound rude at all.

She swallows hard, and then gives me an unconvincing smile. "Y-Yeah, I'm okay." She's lying, but I continue. I move closer, my shirt sleeve brushing hers. She looks at me with her beautiful wide eyes.

"I wanted to tell you... that I, um..." I don't know how to say it. How do I tell (y/n) I like her? No- maybe even love her? "I think I might possibly - who knows, it could be absolutely fake and stupid - but... I think I might... like... you...?" I hate myself. I wait for her reaction with a knot in my belly.

She squeezes her eyes shut, pressing the heels of her hands into them. "Shitshitshit okay... you're fine." I barely hear her whispering to herself. I mean, how would I be able to hear anything over my heart breaking? "Eddie... I-"

I stop her. "No, it's okay. I get it. I'll just go." I stand up to leave, but then feel her grab my hand. My face heats up as she pulls me back down to sit.

She opens her eyes, looking at me, holding back some awful kind of pain. "Eddie. I need you to know something very important before you go any farther." Her voice is trembling, along with the rest of her.

I place my hand on hers, that's sitting between us. "Okay. Tell me." My throat tightens, and my eyes threaten tears. She can't possibly tell me she hates me, right?

"I have this... thing. Called Philophobia. Do you know what that means?" She searches my eyes for something, anything, and there's a tiny spark.

"The fear of falling in love or being in love." We speak at the same time, staring at each other intensely.

She nods, pressing her fingers onto her closed eyes. She looks at me again. "Yes. That's it. And... I really want to like you, and sometimes, I think things about you..." She looks all over her room quickly, gathering her next words. "Like, how your eyes sparkle in the sun, and when you're thinking your mouth hangs open a little..." She trails off and looks me in the eyes, pain evident in her expression.

My heart puts itself back together, slowly at first, then fast. I'm not hurting, but I'm not happy either. "I understand... but... does this mean that I'll never have a chance?" I glance at her lips, they're quivering.

She sighs. "I don't know... I mean, you're the first person I've been able to feel for and still talk to..." She inhales deeply. "And that's a lot of progress, I'd say." Her fear is slipping away, very slowly, but it's going.

I sigh, looking back at her eyes. Her pained expression has softened to a worried look. I move my hand from hers, and place it on her shoulder. "Let me help you. Please." I whispered that, my ears felt hot now, too. "I'll do everything I can..."

She glances at my hand on her shoulder. Then she does something unexpected; moving closer to me, she slowly hugs me. I feel warm, and like I'm floating. I hug back, moving my other arm around her waist. We stay like this for a while.

"Eddie?" Her small voice reaches my ears. She sounds conflicted.

"Yes?"

"Thank you. For telling me." She's... grateful?

I shift, laying us down without letting go. "It's no problem. You would've found out eventually." I feel cozy.

She looks at me with those eyes. Those amazing... tear-filled eyes. She says nothing. Her face says enough. I hold her closer, and she buries her face in my chest, crying. My heart twinges, this hurts to watch. Let alone feel her tears soaking my shirt.

"(Y/n). It's okay, cry all you want. I'll be here." I gently stroke her hair, trying to comfort her the way I see them on TV. It didn't seem to be working. Her body was racked with sobs, and the wails that escaped her sounded like the souls of the damned. I hope I never see her like this again.

She calms down enough to stop crying. Her face stays put, and she breathes in and out deeply, multiple times. I sit quietly, waiting for her to break the silence. If I said I didn't cry, I'd be lying.

She slowly comes out of hiding, wiping her face with the bottom of her shirt, and I notice faint black marks under her eyes. Did she put on makeup for me? My thoughts are interrupted by her voice.

"Sorry I got mascara on your shirt, I'll wash it if you want." She looks at my shirt, then my face. Her eyes are sad, but bright because of the emotion swimming in them. I shake my head.

"That's okay, I'll take care of it. And you don't have to be sorry, it's not your fault. Phobias can't be cured in one day." I try to reassure her, and to emphasize, I run a hand through her hair. "Really, it's okay."

She smiles a little, and curls into me. It feels so surreal, a girl I really feel for is laying in her bed with me and wanting to be close. This is new. I like it.

"Do you want to do anything else today? It's only 1:30, after all." I'm attempting to distract her, and offer to take her to the store and buy snacks. She politely declines.

"I like it better here. With you. I feel safe, even though my heart is pumping so fast I could die." She makes us both laugh, and the mood lightens.

But, I need to know. "So, what now, then? Are we just gonna lay here all day?" I ask, thinking of how to approach the real question.

She shrugs. "I dunno, if you want. It's up to you." She sounds exhausted.

"Y'know, I'm fine with this, actually." I say. Here goes nothing. "But, I'm curious... do you want to try, at least? If it's too much at once, I understand."

She tenses up again, stays like that, then relaxes. "I-I guess... we can." I feel her smile into my chest as she buries her face ther again. Welcome to the Game of Life.