The Reason is You

Dean slammed the door to the Impala harder than necessary, but it couldn't be helped. He glanced back at the old girl, giving a silent apology for his roughness then opened the back door. He blindly reached inside and felt around until he felt something hard and unforgiving under his fingers. Grabbing a tight hold on the dark leather case, he removed it from the car's interior and made sure to close the back door more gently this time. Before walking away, he moved back towards the driver's window and ducked to look at the passenger still silently staring, but unseeing.

"Are you sure about this Sammy? You can still come, ya know."

Sam turned towards him, a smile that was both sad yet reassuring gracing his features. "I'm sure Dean. You need to do this for you. When I think enough time has passed, I'll come check on you."

Dean grunted, which Sam knew was both acknowledgement and silent thanks. It had taken him longer than it should have to convince Dean that this needed to be done. Dean had always been stubborn and stoic, his emotions always kept under lock and key. But even Sam knew that this situation had become Dean's breaking point, no matter how he had tried to act like he wasn't dying inside. Sam knew. For the last week Dean had been a walking mass of sorrow and regret, and it broke Sam's heart to see his brother so utterly destroyed . After a night of stern shouting and endless tears, he had finally convinced Dean that this had to be done, but allowed him to choose the way he was most comfortable going about it. As he watched Dean walk away from the Impala into a grassy field nearby, still clutching that case in his hand, he closed his eyes and hoped that making Dean face this wouldn't do more harm than good.

As Dean continued to walk through the slightly overgrown grass, he heard the beginnings of crickets chirping nearby along with the occasional rustling of leaves dancing in the cold wind blowing around him causing a shiver to run up his spine. The sun was almost gone beneath the horizon but still left enough light to allow Dean to find his way in the near-dark. He walked on, careful of tall weeds that occasionally brushed his shins and watching for any fallen limbs that may cause him to stumble. The dark case still clutched in his hand swayed gently with the rhythm of his steps, neither helping or hindering his progress. He looked in the distance, eyes searching the landscape for the silent marker that signaled that he was heading in the right direction. It was his first time coming out here, and he felt like shit for dragging his feet about it. He knew he should have come sooner, but he just couldn't. And now here he was, heart pounding in his chest from both fear and shame. It had been his brother who had finally gotten through to him, the words still ringing in his ears.

You have to do this Dean...you'll never forgive yourself if you don't...

I'll never forgive myself anyway Sam....

Dean sighed and continued walking, his goal now in plain sight just ahead. He was almost there, every step bringing him closer to the abyss of guilt that constantly threatened to swallow him whole. This entire thing was his fault, no matter what anyone had said to try and convince him otherwise.His choices brought this outcome. He knew Sam was just trying to help him cope with the consequences of his actions, but couldn't he see that he wanted to pay his penance in peace, in his own way? It didn't matter anymore. He was here, and he promised Sam that he would try.

As he reached a small clearing he saw the cause of his pain nestled near a small bush that seemed to explode with tiny blue blossoms, their vibrant color now muted in the twilight. Dean couldn't help the small smile that tugged one corner of his mouth, thinking to himself that those flowers matched perfectly with a particular shade of blue that he knew so well. But he shook those thoughts from his head, knowing that train of thought would distract him from what he needed to do.