I created this just to try and figure out what some of my thoughts mean as I am currently struggling to determine their existence. A lot of them don't really make sense. By the way, excuse the bad grammar I'm pretty lazy while writing these, I might edit them, I guess it just depends on how motivated I am. On the subject, I havent really been motivated to do very much lately. I'm in year eleven now and ive been completing most of my homework the night before and at the lowest standard. But for some reason I dont seem to care very much for it. I know i need to change but i cant find anything that will motivate me to do so. I dont feel very much myself anymore. In a way i feel empty. And how for some reason when everyone was nervous about an event that was about to occur, I could not attach an emotion. I feel stressed, like I need a break. But thats the problem... I'm taking a break all the time. I'm not doing anything productive and i cant explain why. I've had no emotional or physical occurance that may have set me back, I just dont understand why I am the way I am. Sometimes I just think to myself; What is the point? I'ts not like i'm going to get anywhere in life anyway. I used to be quite optimistic, I was complemented by friends for the fact. But I feel it is the negativity of people around me- those I care for- have made me feel imune for the harshness of reality. But i dont mean to blame or point the finger at any individuals as I know it is my own mind that has betrayed me as to why I have become this anxiety ridden, pathetic fifteen year old. Although I am sixteen next week, I don't feel it. I dont feel I have nearly matured enough. I fail to take responsibility in life and that I am very much incapable of the ability.
Please do not judge me too harshly.
2:30 AM.
