Happier || Harry Styles

Happier

To all the people who made and make me feel pain.

Happiness: The quality or state of being Happy.

I wake up and she isn't here. My bed is half full but I am completely empty. I can't move, the weight of the world is dragging me down. I try to get up but I fail. At the second attempt I am finally standing. I walk through the rooms trying to know what I have to do. Where are you? I think. I miss her. My enemy is the past because I can't change it. My enemy is the time because it's amplifying my pain. Every second without her is a knife that's hurting me and I don't understand what's happening.

I open the door of our flat and feel the cold November wind. I walk slowly on the sidewalk trying to not fall until a bench where I sit down. I start observing. All the couples that I see appeare happy but I know that is a lie. No one is supposed to be happy. I can see the hope in the eyes of the girls and the madness in the eyes of the boys. Suddenly I see an old couple enter in a shop. Are they happy? I ask to myself. I start thinking that I am wrong. No. I can not be wrong. They are just a stupid exception or they are just lying to themselves.

I lay my back on the bench and put the hands in the pockets of my jacket. The street is full of Christmas lights too soon put on. The sun is covered by clouds and I can feel the same shades between black and white inside of me. I shouldn't feel all that pain. I didn't do anything wrong. It's all her fault. I want to be happier. I want to be more free. I want to be angrier. That isn't fair. We had spent two years together but no one told me that there isn't a happy ending.

What are you doing Harry? You have to react. Say to myself. But I know, I know that nobody can save me except myself and I am choosing my demons. I am falling in the darkness. I take my phone to check the messages. Nothing from her. That is my life: a stupid 21 years old that don't know how to keep his life in his own hands. A girl sit down on the bench, just beside me. Her earphones are isolating her. I don't know if she wants something. She is blonde and have green eyes. In her hand there is her phone. She is texting and smiling. After a while she starts to cry and to laugh again. Probably she is talking with her boyfriend. I see some stupid hearts appear on the phone. After that, at the same way how she came, she leave me alone.

I am abandoned on that bench. Again. The wind is making my hands freezing. I don't care. I care only about her. As soon as I leave that bench I see my girl. My love. The brown hair is kept behind her head and the sunglasses are hiding her beautiful eyes. I get up and start following her. She is walking fast and she isn't smiling, she is trying to cover her pain. She enters in a cafe and I lay against a wall on the other side of the street to not let her see me. I can't see anything through the windows of the cafe. I don't know for how much time I'm waiting for her but my heart is killing my body and my eyes are trying to cry. No. Stay strong. I try to listen the voice inside of me but it's hard. The only thing that I want is to watch a stupid love movie with her and have a good pizza on our couch. That's my wish. To live again some moments with her. But the truth is that there are a lot of things that we can have but we can't keep. We don't know what we have got until it's gone.

My thoughts are stopped when I see her leave the cafe. Oh god if I love her. I start to follow her again. She turns, I turn too but she is right there. She is there. Waiting for me. What are you doing Harry? I think. I can see the words in her mind. Finally she speaks. "Are you following me?" She asks with a broken voice. I don't answer. I know she is right. "Leave me alone. I don't want to see you anymore Harry." She stops to breath and to stop the tears; "You've wasted your chance. I told you. Go away." I try to speak but something is wrong. I can't. I fall on my knees. Crying. A lot of thoughts is spinning in my head. Why? Why me? Why Can't I be happy? I try to stretch my hand toward her but she isn't there anymore. She is gone. I raise my head and I see her, I see her become smaller every second past. I can see my life disappear. The tears are digging grooves on my face. My head is heavier.

I get up and walk home. I am going slow. I can't run from that. I feel stuck. I stop to cry, more than once, I need that. I open the door of the flat and push that. It is hard to see. Our home, destroyed by feelings. I take a step and fall to the floor. After that, the darkness.