Phan Oneshots

Easy with you

"tape her mouth shut and we just have dinner our normal way."

Phil ripped the controler out of Dan's hands and threw it down on the table beside him.

"Hey! Give it back!"

"No! Sheila is my girlfriend," Dan found himself flinching at the word 'girlfriend', "you are going to have to find a way to get along with her."

"Maybe if you acted like yourself when she was around I'd like her more." Dan said matter of factly and stood up leaving. He like to think it was a dramtic exit, like he just walked away casually from an explosion. But Phil chased after him.

"What do you mean! I act exactly the same as I always do."

"Maybe when your around my mother or your mother."

"You aren't even making sense." Phil was just a pitch lower than a shout and Dan was just sitting down turning on the TV in the lounge not even bothered. Phil was trying to remain calm.

"You act like the first time you met my mom when you are with her. It used to be amusing, now it is just plain annoying."

"I act like myself around your mom."

"Oh Mrs. Howell, you still don't look a day older than 25! Honestly what's your secret? Dan is starting to look older than you!" Dan said in a bad imitaion of Phil's exaggerated northern accent.

"I do not sound like that! Nor do I act like that."

"No? So you didn't say that my mom didn't look a day older than 25 than?" Dan said with a smile.

"Okay whatever! But I act like that all the time, so what if I act like that with Sheila?"

"Because with Sheila you kiss her ass like she's your mother in law. I dare say I know you better than her and you have never, not once, kissed my ass like that. Well, except for that time you wanted me to go to your aunt's wedding with you."

"That's because you aren't my girlfriend."

"I ain't a girl. I could never be your girlfriend, idiot, and no one else kisses their girlfriends asses like that. Unless they, you know, are legit kissing thei-"

"DAN!"

Dan started laughing hystarically and was pleased that Phil started to join in.

"But seriously," He said when he calmed down, "When do you ever sit at the kitchen table to eat unless she is here."

Phil didn't answer.

"Just tell her I am vomiting violently and you will have to raincheck. Please? I can't handle polite Phil tonight."

His lips thinned as he thought, obviously weighing his options. "Okay fine. We can order Chinese, just let me put the iron away."

"You were going to iron your clothes. Phil..." He was out of sight before Dan could continue.

-----------------------------

"What exactly about her is the problem though?" Phil decided to bring the subject back up later day.

"The way she talks like she is superior to everyone. When she talks to me and always looks at me like I am the lowest human being there is."

"I think you just misjudge her facial expressions."

"I bet I can call anyone and they will say the same thing."

"Okay fine. Do it." Dan pulled out his phone and called Louise. He put it on speaker and put his finger to his lips to make sure Phil will be quiet.