Forever an Abomination

Prologe

I'm pretty good at blocking out memories that I don't want to see. I can just, in a way forget what happened, of course they will always be there, way back in your mind. Nothing can truly escape your mind, or at least that's what I think. There is one memory that I can never truly block out, it always comes back no matter how hard I try to suppress it in the back of my head. It seems the more you want to forget a memory, the more it wants to come back to haunt you. The worst part is that I can remember every little detail, like what the temperature was, or even what was happening in the background. Whenever I remember it's like I'm there all over again, like I need to relive it. 

I walk down the stairs, it's night time, around the middle of december where the air was just starting to feel cool and bitter, and the first snowfall of the year was just beginning. Mom was in bed, and most likely feel right to sleep, Dad should have been there with her, but he wasn't he was in the living room, staring blankly out the window. I couldn't see much, just the silhouette of his tall and somewhat masculine figure. I started to walk closer to him, I could sense that something was wrong I just didn't know what. He always seemed to be troubled, like he was carrying this huge burden around with him, I just didn't know exactly what it was at the time.

As I got closer to him, I could tell that he knew that I was there. He didn't look back at me though, just stared at the window.

"I can't do this anymore, I tried so hard to do the right thing so that my family may one day forgive me, but I now realize that this is not the way to do it. I must go and redeem myself to them in some other way, but for now you are the only thing in my way." He then breathed in deeply.

"I'm leaving, and don't expect me to ever come back, you are the reason all my brothers and sisters hate me, they casted me out of the family just because of a mistake, because of you. Goodbye Ava, and don't try to find me."

After that things start to get a little hazy, or maybe just confusing, all I remember is what I was thinking at the time. I may have been little but I was smart for my age. There were so many questions that were going through my head. Like "Was I really such a big mistake that you have to leave?" and "Why is it so important that you redeem yourself to your family, isn't what you have with me and Mom enough?" Dad went to leave the door, but when I went to go and try to stop him he wasn't there, it was like he just teleported away. I didn't know what to do anymore so I just fell down on the porch and cried till I fell asleep.

His leaving didn't just hurt me, it hurt my mother, probably even more than it hurt me. My mom found him in the middle of the forest on one of her nature walks that she does. He didn't remember who he was, or what he was doing in the forest. So Mom helped him out and did the best she could like give him a place to stay till they found out who he was. In the middle of all that they fell in love, and ended up getting married, later that year they ended up having me.

We were a small family but I would never trade what we had for anything. When I was around 6 though, Dad changed, he became more emotionless, less human it felt like. It was as if he could only be just, wouldn't let his emotions get in between what he thought was right and what he thought was wrong. I never really understood what happened to him, but something definitely changed. Never did I think that he would change so much that he would leave us.

After he left Mom just stopped, like she wasn't able to function. She was in bed almost for a whole month. She just laid there and stared at the ceiling, it was so devastating to watch. For a 7 year old it's scary to see your mother alive, but not filled with life. When the week was over my grandmother said that she needed to go to the hospital, but that she would be back in just a few day. Those days turned to weeks, and those weeks turned to a month. Grandma took care of me, and tried to comfort me the best she could, inside though I know it was hard for to have any sympathy. She never liked the idea of Dad with her daughter. She always said that he might one day find out that he had a wife with kids in his other life and chose that one over the one that he has now.

I realize that it might be true now, that he left because there was someone else. All the evidence points to that. When he left he talked about how his family kicked him out, so he knows that had family in his past life, and we know that he knows at least a part of his past life. He never told us though, which may point to an affair happening with someone in his past. There could also be someone kind of cult type thing happening since he mentioned being kicked out and having to redeem himself, or that could be me overreacting and it could just be something that his family didn't like or could not support.

There are many reasons why he may have left, but there is one thing from that memories that will forever be burned into my mind. Which is when he said "...they casted me out of the family because of a mistake, because of you." How much of mistake was I? I was for the most part planned I thought, he wanted to have me and so did my mother, and back then he told me that I was the best thing that could have ever happened to him. Was he lying when he said that? Or am I simply just not worth it anymore?

I know that I may just be putting too much thought into this, but can I truly think about anything else? It's hard enough for kids whose fathers left them before they really got to know them, but when you're really close with your father and he all of a sudden leaves you it feels even worse.