Escaping reality was a term I always used just to describe my laziness whenever I got slothful and wanted to ignore the responsibilities. Before this moment, I could never imagine there would come a time I feel the real "escaping-reality".
This time, it's different, I want to escape reality genuinely now. I want to be gone far, far away from people I know. Maybe it's shame or maybe it's guilt, but whatever it is, it's all my own fault. I've hurt my grandma's feeling, my cousin's, my parents', my girlfriend's, and the only reason why I could hurt them is so obvious; it's because they care.
I know it's all me, everything's gone this bad is all the result of my own act. I hate myself for that. Now I'm not me anymore, cuz I don't wanna be me anymore. I hate me.
My cousin once asked me emotionally,
'Brother, are you on drug? Please, tell me if you are on drug.'
I knew for sure his intention was very pure and full of love but I still got offended and all red,
'I don't know what went through your mind to come up with such a question.' I responded very roughly.
Not only him that thinks that way; I know a lot people who think I'm on drug, which I can't even get mad about. Because in reality, I do look like someone who's on drug. I'm skinny. I'm slow. I'm very passive. I can't blame them assuming me that way, it's me myself putting myself in this situation. Sometimes I get so lost that those 'are you on drug' questions bounce out of nowhere and makes me come up with the stupidest idea ever. 'Hey, what if I try drug for real this time?'
Thanks God I never did.
I would go to supermarket just to get bottles of beers once in awhile. Not as much as before now. I had been my mom's very good son because I had never touched alcohol like forever, but recently, I'm sorry mom, alcohol helps me escape, get distracted. People would stare at the beers in my cart when I got to the counter, then quickly look at my face, where I could tell those weren't friendly looks. Whatever man, now I've come to a point of not getting embarrassed anymore. Beer doesn't taste good, but the more you want to be drunk, the better it tastes. I used to ask people 'why do you drink beer since it doesn't taste that good? Coke is much better'; which obviously a question when I was the good son. For now, I've got an answer for that. 'Cuz I wanna be drunk.'
Who would have ever guessed this cheerful, playful guy is this broken inside? I would never believe that either.
I've been scolded, advised, talked to, but none of those helped, cuz I don't think I'm helping myself enough. Right now, all I need are no more of 'See? If you worked hard in your swimming class, you would not be drowning like that.' Cuz I've already been sinking, deep. I need to be pulled out, and rescued. Yes, NEED.
I was a very confident man, but now, I don't even believe in myself to ask a question in class. I don't trust myself anymore. I thought I was who I was, but now I know I'm not even close to that.
I'm writing this right now, because I hope after expressing all of these out, I can finally restart my life. Be a teacher huh? Look how useless and hopeless you are right now! Who would ever leave their kids to a person like you?
'You've drown so deep right now brother, you're a hopeless man, I can tell.' My cousin said that and I know deep down he totally felt me. He really did know clearly I've been very hopeless. Maybe it's one of his experience that he doesn't want me to repeat his mistake or maybe he wants to help me out just because he knows the end of that road is so ugly which he can't watch his little cousin ends up suffering there.
'You gotta find someone who knows the most about you, who would help you out. You need to talk to them. You need to! Share them your misery, discuss with them, and let them help you out of this. You have to, brother. You need a help.' He continued.
In my mind at the same time he was speaking, 'Obviously, you're someone who's been with me since I was born, but still, you don't know about me enough to help me out.'
Now there comes another problem,
Who is that person then? I was trying to think of one, but there was no one.
Don't feel pity on me that I have no one, cuz it's all my fault again. Does it mean that no one cares about me? Is it the reason why I couldn't think of anyone whom I could talk to? I thought it was the case. But then the day after, I figured out the real answer. No, it wasn't. The real cause is actually that I shared my story to no one. A lot of people would be listening, but I've never shared. I'm an opened minded guy with a closed-gate heart. I don't share much about myself to the people around me, even those who are very close to me. They only know what I let them know. All they know are what I let them. They can only know as much as I let. Now, who's fault is this? MINE!
I don't want my story to be a message that makes drowned people drown even deeper; of course I want this to be a message that can help them out. But, now, I can't even help myself. But you know what, no matter how hopeless I am, there's always a little light in my chest, not mine, but it belongs to the people that care about me. It makes me feel so bad, it makes me question myself, how can I keep doing such things and disappoint them over and over again? But at the same time it also keeps reminding me, that somewhere out there, I am a good person. I have to be strong, I have to beat the shit out of myself, I gotta be the good me, I gotta get out there and make them see I care about them too.
Now, what I have in mind is, to get out of my dark comfort zone. I wanna be away from this life for awhile, the life I've been taking for granted, the life I've been abusing. Maybe I should just go far from this city, to a rural area. To some places I don't wanna be, and live there. Go to Ratanakiri, and be a teacher there, eat the food I don't wanna eat, sleep in places I don't wanna sleep in, and most importantly to live with people who appreciate their lives and others. So maybe when I come back, I'll start to appreciate mine more. I really think I should do that.
If any of you ever feel this downed, think of the people that care about you. You know what? They still do now. Even if sometimes we feel ashamed of ourselves, that we think we don't deserve their care anymore, that they might have stopped thinking about us long time ago, guess what, they still do. Your mom still thinks about you; your grandmother still wanna see you succeed, your brother still wants you to be a part of his life. You're still you to them. All you need to do is give in. Yes, accept that it's your fault, accept that what you've been doing was wrong. My mom always tells me that, people never hates those who make mistakes, but they hate those who know they make mistakes but don't ever wanna change. I know it's hard to give in, even for myself right now. I don't know how to go and talk to my cousin anymore, even though I know for sure he's been waiting for me to go to talk to him, that he will always welcome me. I'm too ashamed. Still, you and me, we have to be strong. We have to walk out of here. Think of what we wanna be. Like me, I wanna be a teacher, I wanna give people piece of light. Think of that goal, think of your goal. Now, even if we're so late, but we gotta move. We gotta move. You got a friend you can talk to, talk to them. They'll be happy to hear your story. If you don't, like myself, we gotta think of a way. Doing things we don't wanna do is one of the effective ways. Get out of our comfort zones.
If you've never been this ashamed, down, hopeless before, make sure you'll never be. Don't take your life for granted. But if you are right now, it's time we show our people that we love them too, by starting loving ourselves and start making a way out. It's okay, we'll make it. We'll get out of this, together.
P.S. The solution is there, it's inside you, when you start standing up, get out of your bedroom, think of what you've done, think of the people who love you. Now it's the time, think of a solution, somehow you will come up with one. Figuring out the solution is not the biggest deal yet, the biggest deal is, how committed will we be after we've found a way out. Stand up, walk to your armors, your shield and your sword. We will defeat this demon.
We will!
