can't let go

05

adele |

I hear the beep, beep, beep that signals that the other person has ended the call.

Before I can process it, I feel a warm familiar hand on my shoulder that I know isn't Angelo's. An equally familiar voice says the words that I have replayed in my mind every single lonely night. "I won't let go."

And in an instant, my world changes. Everything I know is nonexistent.

I turn my head and lock eyes with the man I haven't seen for five years but could find in complete darkness.

Simon. My husband. My heart. My hero.

Overwhelming is the first word that comes to mind.

Suddenly every bottled up emotion comes pouring out and I explode. I collapse into his arms, sobbing and feeling the tears pour out of my eyes and run down my face, dripping onto him and his shirt.

He holds me and cries with me. We sit there for hours on the bed, just crying and trying to understand this is real.

After we exhaust our tear ducts, I say, "H-how? And why?"

He sighs. "I need you, Adele. I've needed you since you shut the door behind you. And I know that you don't need me, but-"

"I didn't think I needed you either." I interrupt. "But I do."

He gives a half smile. It's painful to see. "I reached a really low point last night. I took a ride on the London Eye. There was another man in there, he was much younger. When I reached the top, I thought of our wedding day. We held onto each other and looked out. In that moment I felt like I had the world in my hands. Nothing could ruin our happiness. And I looked to my right and it was missing something. It was missing you. Then I started to think that if you and Angelo have gone five years without me, then you could go the rest of your lives. Nobody needs me. I looked at the ground, and I looked at my reflection and I thought I have no reason to be here. So I opened the door and felt the chilling wind. I was just about to end it all, when that young man grabbed my arm and pulled me to the ground."

I stare at him in horror. He went through all that because of me.

He continues, "And I just broke down and cried. Right there on the ground of the London Eye. And he held my hand through the rest of the ride and helped me out to a security guard. I don't remember much, but I was driven home by a policeman and he gave me a number to call if I felt like doing that again. I stayed up all night just staring and thinking. Then I found myself driving to Heathrow Airport and buying a ticket here. I texted Angelo for the address and I got a cab and," He pauses. "Here I am."

I start to cry again. I can feel a pain in my chest and an intense feeling of guilt. "Simon, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I say, but no amount of times could ever make it up to him. "You went through that alone and I should have been there. I should have been there." I repeat in frustration at myself. "It never would have happened if I hadn't left. I should have stayed. I should have fought for us."

"It's not your-" Simon starts to say.

"Yes it is! Don't try to defend me. I messed up, Simon. And I don't think I could ever make it up to you."

He starts to cry again. "Adele, don't you realize that's why I'm here? Nobody in the world understands me like you do. Nobody loved me the way you did or cared for me or laughed with me. We have a child together, we went through everything together. You're the only one who could make me hurt as much as I have and you're the only one who could make me heal."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I say, mentally beating myself up over and over. I failed him, the only one who matters. "I don't even know who I am anymore. After I left a piece of me died inside. And every morning I've waken up without you here is a painful reminder of what I've done. I left because I was scared of losing you. I didn't want to stay because I feared for the morning when I would wake up without you. And the truth is I brought my biggest fear on myself. And I don't know how to find that old Adele anymore."

Simon sighs. "You are still are that old Adele. You're still my wife and lover and my whole heart. When you looked into my eyes when I first touched you tonight, I saw you. I saw the woman I fell in love with and the woman I married and the woman I had a baby with and the woman I shared everything with. I saw the eyes that have melted me since day one. I know you even when you don't know yourself. And I love you, Adele. I loved you when you walked away. I loved you when I cried in each empty room. I loved you when I saw old photos and when you didn't answer my calls. I loved you when you took my son. I loved you when you finally did answer. I loved you when you put me through the worst five years of my life. And I love you still."

"I loved you through it all too. I love you now, more than ever before. I'm terribly sorry, I don't know what to say. I-"

"Don't say a thing." He says, his hand now placed on the side of my face, where it used to be often and hasn't been in far too long.

Our lips slowly attach. It's different in the best way and the exact same in the best way. The passion is there, just more powerful. The love is there, just more powerful. The world still disappears. Everything is the same except for the tears mixed in. Except for the fact that we went five years without doing this. I didn't realize how much I missed it.

We stay that way for 20 minutes, just making out and pouring out every feeling we couldn't express in words.

The sun begins to rise, so I part away and open the blinds.

Simon stares in awe. "It's beautiful." He says. "Just like you."

My heart melts. He always said little things like that, and they always made me feel like royalty. He just had a way with words.

Angelo knocks on the closed door. "May I come in?" His soft-spoken voice says.

"Of course." I say back.

He walks right to Simon, and the two of them hug as if they haven't seen each other in years.

A piece of my heart breaks when I remember that they haven't seen each other in years.

"I missed you, dad." Angelo says.

"I missed you too young man." Simon says, a proud smile on his face.

The three of us sit on my bed and catch up on everything.

It's almost as though the past five years never happened.