can't let go

03

adele|

"Adele?"

My hands start to sweat and my heart pounds. How could talking to someone I once shared everything with make me feel so terribly distraught?

"S-Simon?" I ask, trying my best to not sound nervous but failing.

There's a pause, a silence. Neither of us expected me to answer.

"How have you been?" He finally asks.

"Not good, honestly. Not good. You?"

"Same here. This has been the worst three years of my life."

My heart aches. I caused this pain. I caused it all. I was selfish, I fled from my problems and fear of losing Simon. I took the one thing that would have helped him, his child. Our child. The beautiful child who is just as much Simon's as he is mine.

"Me too." I pause. "I'm so sorry, Simon. I'm being so selfish and I took everything from you, I should have answered you the first time you called, I shouldn't have gone so far away. I'm sorry. I'll never forgive myself."

"Why did you go? Why did you take him? Why didn't you give us a chance?" He sounds desperate. It's just like it was on that awful day when we left.

"I was scared. I had assured myself that I would never be in that place where I was after Alex broke up with me. We're married, Simon! I never ever thought it would happen to us."

"But you didn't have to go, Adele. You didn't even try!"

"I was scared! What about that don't you understand?"

"I've been with you for almost 16 years Adele and you know the one thing I've always told you."

"If you love me, I have nothing to be afraid of."

"I still loved you then. For goodness sake, I still love you now! Even after all of this!"

He can audibly hear my cries. "I shouldn't have left. But I couldn't stop thinking that if we failed and we're married, how could we ever fix it?"

"Adele, don't you get it? Marriage isn't supposed to be easy, and we're set up to fail. That's when we show our strength, and the fact that our love can move mountains."

I debate his words. Silence is between us. Then I say, "I have to go, Simon. But I just want you to know that you will see me again and that you're way too good of a man to be in love with someone like me."

I hang up, and cry myself to sleep, wondering what he would have said if I hadn't hung up.

* * *

Simon has always had a way with words. He knew how to comfort every kind of pain. He would use his words to console Angelo as a baby and as a toddler, he would comfort me when I felt hurt or afraid, and he would express his feelings and his wisdom and his love through his words.

His calm and deep voice only made his words more effective.

I miss it. I miss him. I miss being able to have him hold me and assure me I have nothing to fear. I miss going to sleep with him by my side.

There is nothing more empty and painful than sleeping in a bed alone after you've gotten so used to having another soul right there with you.

As I lose myself in all my memories and complex feelings, I hear Angelo's footsteps as he comes down the hall.

He stands in the doorway of my bedroom, rubbing his eyes. For a moment, I see his little three year old self walking into our room half asleep, afraid of a thunderstorm with a stuffed animal held tightly in his hand.

He has grown way too fast.

I pat the empty side of my bed and he crawls in next to me in silence. Something is on his mind, and it's more complicated than a thunderstorm.

"What has you awake?" I softly ask him as he lays in obvious distress.

"The same thing that has you awake, mum."

I sigh and blurt out, "I'm thinking about moving back there."

He sits up, an unreadable expression on his face. "Really? You would do that?"

I nod. "I can't keep you away from your dad like this."

"He needs you just as much as he needs me."

I look away from my son and at the floor. "That's not true. You're his child."

"And you're his wife. He even told me he misses you."

That got my attention. I turn back and face him, saying, "He said that to you?"

Angelo nods. "I talked to him tonight. I told him you saw his message and were trying to decide. He opened up to me and said that he misses you and loves you still. We have to go back."

Tears burn my eyes. Simon must feel such intense heartbreak and the only thing to mend it would be for him to have his family again. I swallow back my emotions and tell myself to be strong not just for Angelo, but for our family altogether.

Could I risk having us fall apart again?

"I don't know, Angelo. I just don't know anymore." I say.

He opens his mouth to say something just as my phone buzzes and an achingly familiar name is shown.

Simon.

A/N: A little psa since someone and possibly others seem to think that a c-section is "the easy way out."

I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IS EXTREMELY IGNORANT TO SAY.

I know many women including my mother who had one or multiple c-sections and LET me to tell you it is FAR from "the easy way out."

The recovery time is longer than that of labor, you are left with a scar forever, and it's MUCH more complicated than labor.

IT'S SURGERY. THEY SLICE YOU OPEN. DOES THAT SOUND EASY?

C-sections are NOT the easy way out and NO FORM OF CHILDBIRTH IS EASY. So if anyone you know has a baby in the future or has had one and they have a c-section SHOW THEM SOME LOVE.

Childbirth no matter what method is HARD so RESPECT for ALL mothers who had a baby.

There is no "easy way out" when it comes to giving birth!!!

Ok my psa is over