Unofficial helpline

I want to die (Response 2)

hi guys this one is a serious topic that many people deal with but is rather depressing.Despite this I think it should be talked about however I apologise if this triggers bad memories such as losing a loved one or you yourself attempting suicide.I just want to ignore the stigma around the topic of suicide and let people know they aren't alone as many of you deal with depression and anxiety and have posted about questioning you're life and considering death
(Everyone's story is different Deirdre's is based on my own experience)

Italics=Messenger
Bold=Alex

Hello?
Hi there :)
On a scale of 1 to 10 how much can I trust you
9
Why minus 1?
I don't see a reason not to trust myself and I believe I can trust you but you obviously think differently
I see...
Something you wanted to talk about?
No I just texted a random number for the fun of it!
Ahh
Dude it's sarcasm ever heard of it?
Of course! I am not an idiot
I think you are🔥
Wow.ouch.
You are savage
Thanks...but I already knew
Btw that was a joke..the idiot thing....I just don't know how to start conversation
Why?
Because my topic is only talked of negatively it  literally has a 16+ rating
and I am 13 and idk your age
13 1/2
Ok
Not to mention I am queen of awkwardness (so sometimes I forget English)
Who isn't?
Happens to the best of us
I'm Alex,You are...
Deirdre my friends call it a grandma name
So I go by D
Nice to meet you
Same
Ready to spill now
Ok fine
But be warned it's a long story and a depressing one
Don't worry D I am ready
I was in primary when it started either late nursery or early reception
I was being called names for my pale skin eg goth,vampire
Told I was wrong as I don't look much like my family
I was Too skinny in some parts too fat in others
I was teased for being short
Had my glasses stolen cause they assumed I was blind and founding funny (I'm shortsighted)
I now wear contacts
Ugh bullies are the worst
Yep..
I come from a big family where I am the middle child
We were all premature.Do you know the word?
Born early
Correct and it normally leaves a 'special need'
The oldest is severely autistic with epilepsy,a blind eye and super bad hay fever
The second has Cerebral palsy
Then me with DCD (developmental coordination disorder) and for my first 9 years allergies to dairy but now just lactose intolerant
My twin brother (he is younger by 2 mins) has autism also
And my little sister has a squint
Pretty big family
Yes
Mum is a parent governor for the eldest's school and a volunteer at our church.she looks after us the majority of time
Dad works long hours and often goes abroad for a while for his job so we are pretty distant
Must be tough on her
Yeah
We used to be almost best friends
I mean...
I had 2 friends at school but...
You were in a trio but they became a duet
Yes
You say yes a lot
Noted
I later learned I had severe anxiety and depression
But was embarrassed to tell my family
I had always been a lower priority especially when my issues became an intolerance and my coordination improved
So I didn't see a point
.....
Sorry
About what?
I missed out a bit
Well say it then...well actually type I mean as you know we're...
Texting yeah thanks genius
Albert Einstein at your service
Seriously?
Sorry continue
Very well if you insist
When I was first picked on the feeling of being lower priority in my family added to it and I decided I was just a waste of space and resources
So..
So...
I attempted suicide
With a butter knife...too blunt.Mum came in to cook dinner and I hid the knife and have never mentioned it
Why?
I couldn't let my mum see her 5 five year old daughter stab herself right in front of her!
Guess not
Since then I have been hyper sensitive to insults,teases and just taking everything seriously/personally ..
I have looked at busy roads,knifes,pills,high places etc as plans for my suicide
You mentioned earlier "too thin" did you consider starvation
Well at first I ate more partly as I was actually underweight from birth and partly as I wanted to drop the name skeleton
But soon after I was average weight I was called fat so I told mum I wanted to be healthy to loose weight
Ahhh...
What people say always plays like a record in my brain "you're ugly,talentless,stupid,mean,worthless"it makes me question my existence then I know....they were always right about that
D :(
Have things improved as a teen
As I started puberty I have felt like I'm turning evil,I'm angry,I'm swearing
Just flat out not me
Called hormones D
Ha ha
At first I thought maybe it's a symptom to bottling up negative emotion
Probably right
No it's in my name
Deirdre means sorrow...I was created to destroy lives and create sadness
Nah
I'm dead seriously
No fooling me
you have to be alive to be texting me  🕵🏽‍♀️
Unless my phone is haunted !!!