i am me

i always hated the name "dj"

"get out"

my voice is soft, a whispered reply and then i grow silent. the tears fall, one at a time, slow and deliberate like droplets of gentle rain before the storm. throw wet eyelashes i see him reach for me, and i flinch as if beaten. eyes shutting against the sight of him as i move my hand from within his grasp.

"dj..." he says, his voice low and pleading. it stings, as if he is the one hurting and i should comfort him. i will not. not this time.

"you know," my voice sounds foreign to me, so broken and weak compared to any other time. "i always hated the nickname 'dj' and now coming from your lips it sounds even more bitter." i look up and through the blur of my tears that i try so desperately to hold back, i see his dark gaze bear into me.

i feel vulnerable, heart bleeding before him and flooding between us in waves. it's so quiet, my body feels numb and i find i can't move or breathe. i could ask why her, why not me but i've grown tired of asking questions to those who have no answer. i learned long ago it isn't me, i am me; a beautifully built me that has withstood trial after trial. an imperfect me that has found love within her flaws and strength in my defeats. i do not question him for that is questioning myself. i did everything right, lived the way i wanted.

his choice was not based off of what i could have done wrong.

"leave." i say it through lips that barely move, tearful gaze unblinking at him. i feel strength rising inside. i've been broken so many times i could not possibly break again. this feeling is all too familiar and i almost welcome it for at least now i know.

he hesitates, out of pity i presume. but i remain solid, staring at him until he has to look away. must be hard to see me like this, for i have carried him and his sorrows for what feels like an eternity. i was his rock, his sunshine, never down always up. he has never seen me this way, walls down, naked in my emotions. i allow him to view me in a way that none have. why should i hide such a thing as this? i am not ashamed at the way i feel. i will leave a mark on him doing this, which perhaps is selfish of me. but i will not consider his emotions in this, only mine.

he attempts to speak and i raise my hand to wave his words away. how elegant i look even in this state, head turning from him, eyes lowering as i feel my brows furrow. "no" i interrupt, the whisper carrying a power that yelling could never contain. i do not wish to hear his apology, his explanation, his guilt.

my hand lowers, head turning back to him to catch his gaze in mine again only this time he is the one looking down. i feel my breath slid from my slightly parted lips. it is a sigh, a broken sigh that causes him to flinch now.

my how the tables have turned.

this has gone on too long. the longer he remains here the more my emotions swell inside of me. my hand slides to him, surprising him as i feel him jump at my touch. it is his chin i've reach for and i pull his gaze to meet mine; "you do not get to look away. this is on you." i say it slowly, face close to his as i feel an intensity slide into my drying eyes. he nods. and i remove my hand as if i've been stung, as if his skin is burning hot beneath my fingers. i wrap my fingers around my wrists, nodding in return.

"get out" i say it one last time, the whisper a low murmur now. i have grown tired in the few minutes this conversation has had. no, tired isn't the word for it... weary. i am so weary of this world and the people who inhabit it. he listens to me this time, rising ever so slowly from my bed and i feel the weight shift as an emptiness fills the space he was once at. he moves to the door, and of course in his predictability, pauses to look back at me. pity, it's in his gaze. the emotion of guilt falls from him like steam and stinks up my room.

"take care of yourself" he says simply, and then he is gone. his words sting, for they are words that all people say when they want you to know they are sorry and don't hate you. they are the words that people say when they care but don't care enough. i hate those words.

i give myself a day, perhaps two to allow myself to feel the way i feel now. i'll cry for now, the rest of the night maybe. but then no more, i won't allow myself to carry on like this. he does not determine my purpose in this life. his absence does not change my use for this world. life will go on with, or without me. and i for one refuse to be left behind.