Be My Smile

Chapter 9 - Snow

"Juvia is in the hospital. In coma. Some guys tried to attack her and she fell off a cliff. According to the witnesses, there were more than ten men and she could knock out six or seven but they ended up pushing her and she hit her head. She might take a while to wake up... Or... Not wake up at all."

After ten seconds of processing the reality I just walked to my room and locked the door behind me. I sat down against the door while I ignored the shouting from Natsu saying that I couldn't be here forever. His words didn't make me move any inch. I couldn't help but blame myself. Obviously, this was my fault.

I should've known by now that no one can come close to me. I should've known that my role in this life is to be alone. I shouldn't have tried to change that. If only I hadn't decided to talk to her again... If only I had just forgot about her... If only I hadn't fallen in love with her... Maybe she would've lived a happy life with her friends... Maybe even with a nice guy... A guy who doesn't kill her.

"Natsu... We have to go or w-we won't be able to see her today..." I heard Lucy's voice and a long pause till I heard Natsu.

"Gray... It wasn't your fault you know... And she's a fighter, she took down six guys... It was a coincidence, it could've been anyone." Then why did it have to be her? Can anyone tell me that? "So, once you realize that, go visit her, ok?" I heard nothing after that. And after a week I still heard nothing. I wouldn't get out of my apartment. Who knows if I won't put someone else in a coma? Even if she wakes up... I won't go near her. Ever again. She'll understand, right? I'm just protecting her, right? As I walked to the kitchen I had my head down and my hair covered my eyes. I stared at my phone, just thinking. I think Natsu is with Lucy and the others.

'They're with Juvia again...' Just thinking about her made me feel guilty. And every time an image of her in an hospital bed appeared in my mind I felt like I was drowning.

I couldn't stop it from happening. I was always meant to be alone. A simple girl doesn't have the power to change that. If I had realized that before... But... I did... I knew I was taking a risk. I knew I was pulling her towards danger. But I was selfish, I just wanted to believe I could be happy when it was obvious that I couldn't.

That's why... I have to apologize... I'll go to the hospital. I'm just going to say sorry for everything if she wakes up. If she doesn't, I'll just ask someone to tell her or leave a note and disappear from her life. It's the right thing to do. I'll always feel guilty, I know that, but at least she'll know that it was me and can go on with her life with no regrets. Unlike me. I have many weights pushing me down... But this is definitely the heaviest. But there's nothing I can do about that. I took a risk and it was a bad idea. There's no turning back now.

The silence that filled the apartment was in a way comforting. I just remembered why I liked being alone. It's just that, when you're all by yourself, you have no one to hurt but yourself, and you know that, if anyone is hurt or sad, It's not you're fault, for you're not a part of their lives. There's no lives to risk. No lives but yours... That has always been a stupid option for me but... Little by little, on this week, it started to make sense.

I walked to my room and got dressed. I took a while but after... I don't know... Twenty minutes? I was ready to go.

When I grabbed the door knob I rested my head on the door and started thinking again. Once I twist it, it'll start the countdown to the last time I'll ever see her. I hesitated but I knew there was no time to do that. I just wanted to do this quickly so I can finally stop believing that there's still some hope in my life... cause even if I know there isn't, I still like to trick myself... But I have to stop.

I twisted the door knob. It was... Snowing? We're supposed to be in summer... But that doesn't matter. I closed the door. The fact that it was snowing didnt really bother me. Even if I've never seen snow like this. I headed to the hospital. It was a fifteen minute walk because I took a different road, just in case, if Natsu comes back home, he won't pass by me.

The streets were covered with white and lots of footprints. All the cafés and restaurants were starting to close, it wasn't that late so I figured it was because of the snow. I've no idea for how long it had been snowing, but judging by the rather thick ice layer that covered the floor, I'm gonna say for a few days.

There were still people on the streets, families, couples, friends and surprisingly, I'm the only one alone. What am I saying? It's not surprising...

I reached the hospital and after asking some nurse which room Juvia was in I started walking towards it. At every step, I was getting more and more nervous. I don't know why... I know she's probably not awake. I try to walk even slower but like this it looks very suspicious so I go back to walk normally. I finally see her room at the end of the corridor. It looks like I'm walking towards hell.

But It's just a hospital room... Her hospital room... Which means I have to go in there and see her.

The door is in front of me and I take a deep breath. Pressing my ear against the door, all I can hear is the heart monitor. It looks like Natsu and the others already left. Well, that's good, I seriously didn't wanna face them right now. I enter the room and the sound of the heart monitor increases, no longer blocked by the door.

Juvia is there, laying in bed, her eyes are closed and her body is covered with the white sheets, leaving only her arms and head uncovered. The air smells like... Well, like in every hospital and I hate it. Every time I smell this, it just means I fucked up.

I sat in a chair next to her bed and looked at her. Her hair is messy, randomly spreaded on the white pillow. I sighed.

"I'm sorry..." I grab her hand. My head is down, I'm unable to keep looking at her while I apologize. And... Even if I know she's not listening to my words... It's still hard... "It's... Hard to be alone... I couldn't see it when that was all I had but... I-I understood that... That being alone is not what I want... I guess I just wanted to feel like I still had a chance to be with someone, but I should've put your safety in first place... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." I repeated and felt the weights heavier than ever. I could never forgive myself. I found my cheeks wet with the few tears that I couldn't hold back. I was... Broken. Suddenly...

I felt her hand squeeze mine.