Starbucks: Fantasy Becomes Reality

Chapter 1

Anxiety - a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

Anxiety is something I've had for a long time, pretty much my whole life. I've known and know people with it as well. It makes you scared of things, makes you not want to go outside and enjoy the sun because a small part of you is scared of it and in the back of your mind you're freaking out because you're telling yourself that it will fall out of the sky at any moment and hit you on the head or something. Yet, the logical part of me knows that the sun falling out of the sky is impossible because it's actually not 'in' the sky, it's in space and if it were to fall, it would swallow up the entire earth into a fiery death and completely destroy it and everything on earth along with it.

I think I really started getting anxiety around sixth grade, it got increasingly worse as I got older. In first grade, I was considered the class clown and almost always got in trouble for being so loud and not doing my work and disrupting the class until I got into trouble. My mom found out, she came in and sat in the classroom and ever since then, I've been good in a classroom, really quiet. I miss those days though, back when popularity didn't matter and everyone was friends with the people who are considered nobodies nowadays. I remember when I hated going to bed and not wanting to go to bed but now, it's different. I don't hardly ever come out of my room, I want to sleep but can't ever fall asleep because my mind won't shut down enough for me to relax. I remember wearing pink and all these colorful 'girly' clothes but no matter how bad someone wanted me too, I would never wear a dress. I don't care how many times they would ask me. Even though I wore girl clothes, they weren't the girliest things ever, more like pink but tomboyish at the same time. I think when I started wearing 'boy' clothes a lot more is about sixth grade and as I got older, the more I started wearing them. I never was on that was big on makeup or other things that girl like.

In my late seventh grade year and early eighth grade year is when I started to develop depression and let me tell you, anxiety on top of depression do not mix. I can tell you that from personal experience. Also, seventh grade is when I actually realized that I liked girls. I thought I was bisexual. Then, as school and as well as my life, I realized that I only liked girls. I was... I was a lesbian.

Eighth grade was also the times when I first tried self-harming. No one knew, even though I first started on my arm, no one knew because middle school is when I always wore a jacket. Eventually a friend of mine found out, told the school counselor and they made me sign a 'promise not to self-harm' type of contract thing. It was stupid to be honest with you. I stopped for a little while and then started back again except doing it on my thighs or any place on my body that was constantly covered by clothes. I didn't really tell anyone about it after that. To tell you the truth, I didn't care if anyone found out because I was going to do it one way or another. I stopped for a little bit because when my mom found out, she said that if I didn't stop then she would get me admitted to a hospital. I didn't want that so I had to lay low for awhile. And after that, I'm sure you know what I started doing after that.

Around my sophomore year, I pretty much stopped, cried myself to sleep. I had a sad life, at least, that's what it felt like. I felt alone and that I had no one. My mom was always yelling at me. My father was nowhere to be found. I stilled liked this girl, her name was Emerson. She was the prettiest thing I've ever seen. I thought that maybe she could possibly like me back but I found out that she had a girlfriend. Savannah, is her name. I could tell when she found out that I liked her girlfriend, she hated me. She's always give me this glare and her girlfriend would hang out with me, talk to me and she hated it. Soon though, about two to three weeks after her girlfriend started hanging out with me... she started ignoring me and I couldn't figure out why. Eventually, I did find out. Savannah told her that she isn't allowed to hang out with me anymore, Emerson told me it's because Savannah is probably jealous because she's spending all her time with me and not her. I thought it was stupid to get jealous of something like that.