Fifty Years Later

Why so Anxious?

I was almost sad that it was the weekend. And if that didn't make me down, the fact that it was actually sunny did. With the sun being out and no school, we were bound to the house. Usually that wouldn't have bothered me. Usually I would have been more than content to stick to the house and to my room. But something this time was different. I didn't really know why, but it was. I couldn't stay still and I didn't feel like listening to my music or even trying to compose something new. Everything just seemed like a bore and a waste of  time, which I had too much of as it was.

"Edward, can't you stay still for at least one moment? I haven't seen you like this in so long. What's bothering you, sweetheart?" Esme asked as she finally set down the magazine that she had been looking through and trying to get a few decorating ideas from.

"Oh he's been like this since this morning." Alice said with a giggle as she and Jasper walked down the stairs, her fingers laced with his. The girl was about to say more, but was hushed by a look that she was given from our 'mother'.

"I know that, Alice. I have been able to watch and hear him.. But I want for him to tell me why." The woman said gently as she looked over to Alice and then looked back over at me.

This was perfect. It seemed everyone, well those who were still around the house seemed to notice my behaviour. It wasn't like I hadn't expected it, but I wished that they wouldn't ask me about it. They knew that I didn't like to explain my thoughts or actions. And they knew that whatever it was that was bothering me I would rather try and face on my own. But then, I knew that they were only worried and wanted to try and help. So what was I to do?

Esme's eyes were still on me as I had yet to speak. Just the look in them was enough to break anyone. I knew because I had seen her use it on many and each had told her what it was that she had asked or had done whatever they had been asked. And I also knew because I have seen Carlisle give in so many times before to the look she now happened to be giving me. Finally, I had to pull my gaze from her warm, honey-gold gaze and looked to the counter that was between us as she was sitting at the 'island' and I was at the back door, staring out.

"Do you really want to know what it is?" I asked slowly, trying to pick and choose my words carefully. I wanted to tell her, but I didn't want to give too much away either.

"Edward, I wouldn't be asking you if I didn't want to know. So why don't you take a seat and tell me?" The woman said gently as she motioned me to over to the seat at her side.

Slowly,  my eyes came up from where I had been looking and I was forced to once more have my gaze meet Esme's. Why couldn't she make this easy? I did want to talk, but at the same time I didn't. But now that I had her answer if she really wanted to know, which I had known that she did, there was no going back. So the only choice I had was to go over and sit with her just as she had motioned for me to do, and so I did.

Once I was sitting at her side, Esme turned to look at Alice and Jasper. Her look was enough for the other two to get the hint that she wanted to be alone for us to talk. Getting the hint that she was giving, the other two nodded and were soon gone.

"Now tell me why you seem so...anxious.." She said as she slowly turned back to me, waiting for me to answer her.

"I honestly don't know.. Or at least not really. But I think it has something to do with the girl that Alice and I have been telling you so much about. Though I had refused to be her friend.. I actually want to, and since it is sunny and there is no school, I just feel trapped.." I said slowly, it sounding crazy to me as I told her some of what I was thinking.

Esme looked at me, studying me. It seemed she was thinking over what I had just said. The emotions played in her eyes as she was going over my words again and again. I knew what she was thinking, but I was waiting for her to speak. I was waiting for her to tell me what exactly was on her mind. Because even if I could read her, I didn't always like to. That would mean there would be no reason for us to be having conversations like the one we were having now.

"Why don't you say what you are thinking, out loud.. If you don't, I feel like there is really no reason you and I should sit down and talk like this." I said quietly to her after she had been silent for what seemed like forever.

A sigh escaped her and she nodded slowly. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I was just going over it again and again. The last time I saw you like this was fifty years ago...And so I was trying to figure it out.. Edward, I know you told me that you think it has to do with Bailey and that you feel trapped.. But I think though you don't want to really admit it, you are starting to have feelings for her. And not just being friends, but almost like you had with Bella." The woman said quietly, eyes on me as she spoke.

For a moment, I sat frozen. The words that she spoke were the ones that I had read from her mind, but somehow I didn't like hearing them said out loud. It made me feel ill. Though thinking about it Esme seemed to have a point, but I didn't want it to be the case. And so I continued to sit there, mind racing and not saying anything to what had just been said.

"Edward...are you okay?" Esme asked worriedly as she looked at me. She had been waiting for me to say something, anything.

As soon as she spoke, I shook my head slowly and looked down. "I don't know, Esme.. I don't know. This was the last thing that I had wanted... All of you knew that.. And though you all think this could be a good thing, what if history completely repeats? I can take being her friend, but I don't think I could take it if she has someone else..." I muttered.

"You can't think about that, Edward. Just take things slowly and see what the day brings.. I know Alice has her visions, but you know things are bound to change. The future is never set..." The woman said gently as she squeezed my shoulder, offering me a weak smile.

A sigh escaped my lips as she spoke her words and I slowly looked up, my gaze meeting hers. What could I say to those words? The more I thought about it, I realized that I couldn't argue with the words that she had spoken. They made perfect sense, though I wasn't sure what I really thought of them. There was more of a conversation than I had been wanting to have, but it did help some. Perhaps it didn't really help me figure out my feelings, but it did make me feel better to talk about it.

"Thanks, Esme.. And I know.. I'll try and remember that." I said after a few minutes, returning a weak smile of my own.

Slowly, Esme nodded, the weak smile still on her lips. I knew that she was still feeling sorry for me, and I didn't want for her to. But I knew there was no reason to argue, because no matter what I said, she would still worry. It was one of the many things that I loved about the woman who I thought of as a mother. That and the fact that like Carlisle, no matter what happened she had always been there. She had always been my mother.

"Why don't you go for a hunt? Perhaps that will help you think about things. And if not think about things, just get you out of the house so that you don't feel so trapped."

As soon as she said those words, I was on my feet and kissed her cheek. After I had, I was out the back door and off running through the woods.