One step closer

Dont look back

Madness198 .                                                          
I slide open the doors to the rose room. Nothing's changed, but it feels so different. It hurts knowing that the place I once called home, I can never call home again. I came so far, but the completely wrong direction...

I walk up the steps to the stage area. Memories flash back in an instant.

~ "name?" Asks Mr T, over the chatter in the room. There's so many people, I can't see Giselle anywhere, and it's making me anxious.

"Could everybody quiet down!" Bellows Mr T, as the room immediately becomes silent.

"Name?" He asks again.

"Clara" I say, as loud as possible. You can here the wobble in my voice. This can't be happening, what's everyone going to think if I'm nervous. I can't do this... I need to get out of here....

But then my eyes meet Issac's, amongst the other excited auditioners. He smiles and gives me a thumbs up. I feel a bit better, and nod to a girl in the corner to turn the music on....~

Tears spring to my eyes. That was the start of something I wanted to be beautiful, something I wanted so badly.

I can barely remember what it was like to sing before the sadness. Before the hate, before the tears. Before the breakdown. Then there was no singing. No lost and found. No Issac. No Ava. No Mr T.

Pills. There were pills. After pills after pills.

But the saddest part is, I wish I had stuck to them. My return to Lost and Found wouldn't be so late if I had just stuck to the pills. But I couldn't even do that, and now I can never really come back.

I was so wrong before....

~ I quickly slam the doors of the rose room shut. I'm back. Finally.

I run up to the mic, checking it isnt plugged into the speakers. Coming back is a big enough step for now, let alone coming back to perform. My counsellor says as long as I take it in steps, and stick to my pills, Lost and Found can be my home again.

I go to sing- what do I sing? I haven't sang in so long... what if I can't sing? What if after all this time, my voice won't work.

Nonsense, remember what your counsellor said Clara, I'm still there on the inside.

Okay... wait I've got one.

"This is real, this is me, this is exactly where I'm supposed to be now. I'm going to let the light shine on me"

"No I've found, who I am, there's no way to hold it in. No more fighting who I want to be... this is me"

I suddenly jolt at the sound of the doors shutting.

Issac paces over, taking the microphone out my hands.

"You're the voice I hear inside my head, you're the reason I keep singing. I need to find you, I gotta find you..."

He starts laughing, putting the mic back in it's hold.

"Best. Movie. Ever" he says, between the laughs.

"Definitely" I agree. " I watched it all the time when I was in recovery".

He looks at his feet as the awkwardness passes.

"So..." he begins. "Did you receive and email about the lost step?"

Yes. I received the emails. And the texts. And the voice messages. And my sister going on and on about it, before frantically apologising. But I wanted her to keep talking about it. It sounds so much fun. I want to go so bad.

"Yeah, it sounds like the merge is going well" I reply.

Issac looks up at me. "Extreamly well, if I'm being honest. So well, we're going on tour in the next few days". He sees my disappointed face. "Your sister didn't tell you?".

I look at my feet, pretending not to be upset. "We don't really talk about that stuff".

"Sorry. Well actually I'm not. You see, no one was sure if you would be ready, so didn't book you a space on the tour bus. But from what I just heard, you clearly are. And since Ava can't come now-"

"Wait Ava can't come?!" I exclaim. Ava is such an amazing singer, why would she ever want to miss out on an opportunity like this? She could easily get spotted!

"Her parents, you know" he answers sadly. Her parents are way to strict, this isn't fair on her! I wish she'd told me.

"Anyway" Issac continues. "It means there is a space on the bus, want it? I'm sure no one would mind".

"Yes!!!" I cry, jumping at him. I've spent to many months being in small rooms, restricted areas with restricted things to talk about. I'm sick of my parents treading on egg shells around me. It's time to be free again! They've even been saying how much better I've been getting, and that house is probably slowing my improvement down!

***

Later that night I can't sleep. I have so much anxiety. I mean, my parents actually let me go. And I'm so happy. It's just, all the people who watched my break. I pushed Luke, shut out my friends and cried floods of tears on John's lap. Not to mention the pills. How will I be able to keep on track with my medication? And I really don't want them finding out. They'll all think I'm so weak. I need to prove to them that I'm ready.

But there's the worst bit... I'm going to have to talk with Giselle

~