My mistake

How

I was in love. When you're in love you're willing to do anything for that person, willing to change yourself, willing to lie, willing to agree. Willing to forget who you once were. I did.

I had so much going for me, I was in my senior year of college at age 19, I had friends all over the country, I knew what I wanted to do with my life. But then I met him.

He changed everything. Including me.

On August 28, 2016, it became the day etched into my mind to remember as my anniversary. And every month I would remember that date and then in the back of my mind hope it would become a year.

But that is not the day everything started.

On August 22 I received a new Tinder notification. It was about 1am and before you ask why I was up, I am a college student who has a fucked up sleep schedule. The message was a simple, hello, but little did I know at the time that hello would lead to a new situation.

Sure hello is not the most romantic way to start a love story but, this was 2016 and it was on tinder, no one on tinder is there for love. It is used to pick up people and have casual one night stands and then never have to talk to that person again, it takes the pressure off of doing it face to face in per say a crowded night club or bar.

But alas I replied.

There were plenty of messages back and forth between him and I, then moved to texting and then to calling to facetiming. And then four days later we were dating, we made it official on the 28th of August. And then on the 30th we had our first date. I know we made it official real fast but it felt right. It felt like throughout our constant texts and messages that there was a connection that neither of us had ever had and it was a strange feeling but we both welcomed it with open arms.

The feeling of butterflies in your stomach with your mind in a daze, feeling like you don't know what is going on but at the same time being fully aware of everything and loving it and feeling like happiness is finally there after everything hard in life had been thrown at you.

When I was 16 I tried to commit suicide. At age 18 I tried again. At age 19 I said it would work but it didn't and at age 20 I tried but failed again. I was in a place where I couldn't deal with anything, I couldn't feel anything, I could not understand why I was brought on this earth to hate myself everyday and to regret every decision I had ever made. The thoughts in the back of my mind push forward and bring out the darkest parts of me and my anxiety takes over and tells me that everyone will have a happier life without me around. To do it. To finally take away the pain and the hurt and the tears and do it. As hard as I try to not let it come to the front of my mind it is always there. It lurks between my thoughts and reminds me that I am not good enough, that I never will be and that I won't succeed in my life. It hurts and it is a struggle but I am stronger than all of the thoughts and will prove myself wrong. 

With all of that I thought the universe was finally putting someone in my life that would love me. That would prove to me that I am capable of being loved by someone who actually thinks I am someone worth being with, that thinks I am amazing, that proves to me that I have a life worth living.

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Firstly I would like to thank you for reading. And I know depression and suicide is a touchy subject but it plays a part in many people's lives and it is not something I am going to sugarcoat because people do not like thinking about it. But if you ever feel like you need someone always use your resources, the suicide hotline number 1-800-273-8255.

Danielle