Beauty after All Pain

Audrey Francois

"Mommy, are you feeling well?" Arthur knocked into my room one Saturday morning. I smiled my sweetest smile and tried to get up to meet them. My son still tries to fulfill this promise of his, meeting me in the old house every weekend so I won't feel lonely.

Arthur rushed to me to prevent me from standing. "Mommy, don't try to stand up. You're in a wheelchair for a reason, you know," He joked. I pouted. He's really overprotective, ever since nalaman niyang his youngest brother, si Sidney, finally moved to another house. It's not like they left to move to somewhere entirely far from the Cordova's residence. Nasa iisang subdivision pa rin naman kami.

"Nasaan ang mga kapatid mo?" I managed to croak out to Arthur. He went behind me to push my wheelchair towards the balcony of my room. The air brushed along my wrinkled skin as we went out. I smiled. I haven't felt this free since cancer took over me.

"Parating na po ang mga iyon," Arthur answered. I nodded, my eyes glued to the backyard filled with the flowers that Mama used to plant. I breathed the air in.

Bago pa maka-graduate si Sidney sa pagdo-doktor niya, we found out that I have stage two breast cancer. It shocked the whole family, especially my children. They didn't want to lose me so early, since Dad was also diagnosed with the sickness that caused his death that time. It was one of the most heartbreaking times for the Cordovas, but we all knew we had to accept everything. Two years soon after Dad, Mama followed, and only I, Arthur, and the triplets remained in the old house.

Now, I'm 64, and all of those are behind us. My cancer spread and it reached the most terminal stage, but I'm still fighting. Kahit ramdam kong anytime now ay maaari na akong sumunod kina Mama at Dad.

We heard two loud car beeps. Nagpaalam si Arthur na bubuksan ang gate at sandali akong naiwan sa balcony. Nakapikit lang ako at nilalanghap ang hanging tumatama sa aking mukha. Malapit na. Ramdam ko na.

I ensured na walang taong malapit bago ko inilabas ang liham na paulit-ulit kong binabasa. A few years after Callum died, we found this letter in one of his remaining clothes. It was addressed to me, and ever since then I continue to read it on his every death anniversary.

To my loving wife,

I know soon later you'll find out about the truth. I want to tell you myself, but I was terribly afraid of losing you as early as how I got you. I didn't want to ruin everything. I am here to fix everything, didn't I tell you that? But then, all secrets must be revealed.

I did what I had to do at that time. I was blinded by revenge for my sister and I was forced to rape you to gain my father's love. You see, I never got that gift. But then, I regret every bit of it. I know you're getting the idea. I'm sorry if you're crying right now. If I'm sleeping, wake me up and I'll wipe those tears away. But then I'd probably be in jail after this confession. Or worse, but expected, I'd die. But to die is worth it, my love. If it's the right punishment for everything. Yet if I'm dead, I won't be able to wipe your tears away.

Bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig ng tatay mo tungkol sa gusto niyang gawin sa rapist mo ay natatamaan at nasasaktan ako. Kasi lingid sa kaalaman ninyo, ako ang may gawa noon. Ako na walang ibang pagpipilian kundi ang sumunod. Ako na nabulag sa alam kong dapat gawin upang magbayad kayo. Pero heto rin ako. Ako na pinipilit itama ang maling nagawa ko. Ako na sinusubukang pumasok muli sa buhay mo upang burahin ang mga lamat na ako rin mismo ang may gawa, baka sakali na kapag nagawa ko ito ay mabubura ang nangyari. Mapapatawad mo ako kahit hindi mo na malaman na ako iyon.

Mahal kita, Audrey. Hindi ko plinanong mahalin ka, ang plano ko lamang ay tulungan kang umusad muli mula sa hukay na iyon. Pero kahit mahal kita, nandito pa rin ang sakit kasi anak ka ni Phoenix Cordova, ang lalaking tinalikuran ang responsibilidad sa kapatid ko, at iniwan siyang hindi lang luhaan kundi duguan mula puso hanggang katawan.