Long-Distance Calls

35

And there I was, sitting on the grass of an old abandoned house, still in my pajamas, joined only by the unpleasant breeze of what felt like the coldest day of March, crying like I never did in my life. Sun rays coming through trees, making me shiver, warming me a little.

I wanted to scream, but I looked around. Cars running not too far away from me. Lucky people waking up into their good morning without this pain in their throats. What do I know about other people's lives? I know as much as they know about mine.

They won't care about a teenager crying out in the cold in his pajamas, as long as they have their happy life waiting for them.

I let the dark clouds take me away, sun shining away from my skin.

"Peter?!" a familiar voice sounded in the hurting silence of that morning. I raised my head and found Belle, looking down on me. How could she look so bright when everything else seemed so dark?

"Belle," I cleared my throat, before wiping away a tear falling on my right cheek, careful not to let her eyes meet me, "what are you doing here?"

"Morning run," she explained. And I looked at her again. She was wearing a green light jacket and green tights, her blonde hair hidden under a grey hat. As soon as her eyes met mine, she noticed my crying. "Oh my God, what happened?" she asked, full of concern, sitting next to me.

I tried to sigh, but a sob came out, and I started crying again. "Tyler's dead," I said in-between sobs, "there was an accident."

She opened her mouth, but couldn't find words to speak, so she just put her arms around me and held me. I kept crying on her jacket. The warmth coming from her made me feel slightly better.

"It's just-- it's just not fair," I spoke, "he said he'd be here today... he promised me. And now he won't keep that promise... he never will."

"Why did he have to be here today? What happened?" she asked.

I escaped her arms. "He had to be here because you weren't," I accused, "because I had a panic attack at school and needed somebody..."

"I'm-- I'm sorry," she mumbled.

I sighed. "No... no, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I guess, I'm just trying to put the blame on someone else as I always do... when I'm the only one to blame."

"What are you talking about?" she asked confused, her hands folding inside her legs.

"Last night... he had one of his friends' birthday party. He said he could ditch the party and come to me. I said no. Told him to go and--" I sobbed, "and have fun. The one time, Jesus, the one time I stop thinking about my needs and start thinking about other's, everything goes to shit."

"Peter, you're being ridiculous," she said, "it's not your fault that he died."

I started crying again. "This is not fair!" I shouted, "why did this happen?! Why?! What terrible thing have I done to deserve this?!"

"Peter..."

My phone rang. If you asked me why I had my phone in the pocket of my pajamas, I wouldn't know how to answer.

It was Evelyn. "Avsam-- Avsam, are you there?"

"Yes," I replied, staring at Belle's worried face. Evelyn calling me 'Avsam' once again warmed me up.