Overcoming Oblivion

I pressed my fingers to the side of my cheek, watching as my fingers brushed another flat curl behind my ear. As my eyes drifted lower, my muscles didn't strain. A year ago, I hardly noticed the way I sucked in my stomach at the near glimpse of it. An impulse that shaded myself from knowing what I truly looked like for years.

Back then my reflection reminded me of a stranger. As a little girl I was always visibly beautiful. My mom was stunning, and I was her replica. I had thick blonde hair with natural curls, and baby blue eyes. Yet, as I got older I started to mold into something else— something unrecognizable. Over time my eyes turned a dark green, and my hair grew a deeper shade every year. My skin became thicker, my cheeks puffed out, and my stomach scarred. My chest was twice the size of other kids.

And yet, it took a very long time for me to notice these things. At first it was how I looked different in my swimsuit bottoms, or the way my hair would frizzle itself into an Afro if I played too hard.

As a young child, I was oblivious to how much certain foods could affect the way you looked. My parents tried to hide unhealthy brands from my brother and I, which only left me craving for those foods even more. I binged on everyone's snacks including my aunts, grandparents, even my best friends.

As I became aware of how much these foods were impacting my insecurities, I still couldn't even begin to stop myself.

So, as I warily stared at myself in the mirror, I leaned in closer and I brought my mascara brush to my eyes. Makeup used to make me feel better, but caking my face in products and hiding behind the eyeliner, lip gloss, and mascara would only hide those insecurities a short period of time, a temporary fix.

Soon after I began to play the comparison game. It's a game most females are aware of, and maybe males play it too. It's hard to explain to someone how the game works, but it's pretty easy to catch on to it the more you let your insecurities devour your thoughts. Basically you compare your size to every other girl your eyes meet, and you wonder to yourself 'Am I skinnier? Could I pull off those clothes better? Would someone chose me over them? Do guys look at me the same way?'

Sometimes it feels like I lived a lifetime in oblivion. I spent all my teenage years thinking what everyone else thought of me, and never focusing on how I thought about myself. Every morning was a new day! A new day where I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to love myself.... or hate myself!

But now I know the truth, and its not easy for me to hear or comprehend, but at the very least its the truth. I am going to be the way I am for years and years, and I'll probably struggle with my weight for the rest of my life. But I can't hold my life's value on that one piece of myself. Because, despite what you may think, or what I may think of myself, there are so many beautiful pieces of me. They out weight any pound on my body anyday. Perhaps it has taken me a lifetime of suffering to realize that much about myself.

I gained twenty pounds in the last year and a half, but surprisingly that doesn't scare me anymore. Because even though I gained twenty pounds, I also gained so much more knowledge and intelligence. I learned about who I really am. And if your wondering who that is, its a girl who is committed to her writing, to her sports, to her work. I learned that having to lose those things weighed more heavily on me, then my actual weight ever had.

I took a few steps back, and I allowed myself to examine my bodily features. I don't cringe, I don't cry, I don't suck in, because despite what I've been telling myself for years I know through my heart that I am beautiful

It takes years for you to push yourself into oblivion, but only seconds to realize what position you've placed yourself in. As I stared at myself, my real self, for the first time in seventeen years, I found the person I want to be. A river of tears were shed, the concrete wall placed over my heart shattered. But I never would of changed the way I felt when I finally found the beauty within my own body, and everyone in this world deserves that feeling... everyone.