I sit on my bed and stare at the little stars on my ceiling that remind me of my youth. I completely forgot about these stars before this moment. I'm oblivious, I suppose. I need to look up more, I guess. I think back to a time when I was happy. I was pure. I didn't comprehend the kind of pain that I'm currently experiencing. The kind of pain you can't cover with a band-aid. The kind of pain that is supposed to fade over time, but seems to stick like a scar from a deep wound. I miss those days. The days when the blood running down my friend's arm was from falling off her bike, not a razor. The days when I wasn't scared of losing myself. The days I thought I knew who I was and who I wanted to be. But I suppose those days are simply an illusion. My thoughts are interrupted by a buzz on my phone. I hoped it was him, but of course, it wasn't. It was never him. I had just poured out my heart to him. Told him about the pain. I was hoping, praying for a text back. But, then again, it was 3 in the morning. How could I expect him to be awake? I sulkily scroll through our previous texts. It was filled with memories. Memories of the time he loved me. I ruined our love. It's alright though, I ruin a lot of things. I remembered the day he asked me out. I yearned for love. I wanted to be his, the one he holds, the one who makes him smile, the one he loves. I was for a while. But I panicked. After a couple days of dating, I left. I was scared. Scared of love, of commitment, of everything. I broke up with him. That's a moment I will always regret. I still love him. But, I can't tell him this. For now, he dates another girl. A prettier girl. A funnier girl. She is his everything. The one he holds, the one who makes him smile, the one he loves.
