FINGERTIPS ║ Larry Stylinson

19 ║ Emptiness

It was past midnight when they had landed in Funchal after a – late – 4 hours long flight from London to Madeira. 4 hours during which he held Lottie's head on his shoulder and let Phoebe try some ridiculous hairstyles on his short rebellious hair. They had to pay two taxis to drive them to Caniço. Lottie and Johannah had planned those holidays for several months. They had always loved travels, no matter where it was as long as it was sunny and lovely. They had travelled to LA, West Palm Beach, Barcelona and other heavenly places. They were used to always come back with beautiful memories. This year was a bit different for Louis. He had changed. He used to have a lot of fun, spending hours with Lottie on the beach, Félicité hadn't been allowed to stay alone with them until this year and needless to say she couldn't wait. Johannah had a hard time accepting the fact her children were growing up so fast. Strangely, it had been easier to accept when it happened to Louis, he had taken responsibilities really early. He had wanted to take care of his siblings as soon as his mother were back from the hospital. It happened with all of them. Louis was the older child, she knew he was an adult and she had been treating him as an adult when he had turned 15. Right now, Louis just wanted to be a child again, back to his innocent years when he didn't know what real life was. How hard and ugly it could be. How painful it could get to try and go through life. When there were no harder times than having your sand castle crashed by your little sister or your ice lolly melting all over your fingers before you could finish it. Sometimes he would think back to those times and feel bad about how much his innocence had been destroyed with pain and self-hate. Wondering what could have happened for him to go from the happiest little boy to someone crawling in the mud, stitching the wounds over his heart with barbered wire.
He threw his phone on the bed after sending a text to Harry to tell him he arrived, just like the younger boy had asked – demanded – him. Doris and Ernest were both asleep in their bed. Louis didn't mind sharing his room with the toddlers. Lottie would share hers with Phoebe as Félicité would be with Daisy. He sighed when laying down on his bed, he didn't even want to be there. He had seen pictures of Caniço online, he knew it would be beautiful. The villa they were renting for the next ten days was breathtaking and he felt really ungrateful for feeling that way while he was sleeping in a king size bed near the beach. But he didn't want to wear less clothes, shorts and T-shirts. He was far from feeling okay with the idea of people seeing his body, no matter if it was his legs or arms. He felt disgusted enough by his reflection, he wouldn't stand the tint of disappointment in his family's eyes. His phone's screen lighted up, signalling a new message from Harry. Secretly, Louis wished Harry was asleep when they would land in Madeira, that he wouldn't get a respond. He had tried to avoid Harry a bit recently. When he would try and hug him, Louis would simply move away, when he would want to kiss him, Louis would start talking. He liked Harry, a lot, he was great, amazing, a gold-hearted human being, and that was the problem. With Harry being such a perfect person, Louis felt disgusting. Inside, it seemed like a joke. They looked like a joke. Harry was Adonis and Louis felt like the wild boar about to kill him. Dangerous and repulsive. How could he make Harry proud of being seen around someone like Louis? Louis answered quickly before wrapping the covers around his body.
He stayed up until late, turning around over and over again in his bed, listening to his youngest siblings' breathing. There was some strange feeling buried deep in his body, something he couldn't really explain with words. Something new, uncomfortable. He felt empty, so empty that even the pain seemed to be gone. He was looking at the dark ceiling, his face wasn't holding any expression. He pressed his palm against his chest, the imaginary anvil was still there, crashing his rib cage and squashing his heart. But apart from that uncomfortable constant feeling, it was different, almost scary. When you feel pain, you can still feel joy. Sadness can lead to some unbearable pain, being filled with such pain prove you're still alive and proves you can still end up feeling happiness. Emptiness is emptiness. The absence of feelings, of sorrow means something way darker. If you're not able to feel the deepest hurtful mental emotions, how are you supposed to feel the pleasurable ones? Joy, happiness, pride, all of those seemed suddenly impossible to reach for Louis. It kept him awake a long time, several hours, so long that he noticed the sunbeams sneaking through the shutters when he finally fell asleep.