Please Stay (Kazer)

Goodbye

"Hey, Jack," Erica said as she poked her head in the bathroom. "Mom needs you for a bit. Just leave him here."

After the door was shut again, Jackie messed up my curls. "We'll be back soon. Don't get in too much trouble like usual. I love you, little bro."

Normally, I would shoot back some harsh comment, but I didn't.

I laid my head on the wall waiting for my sister to come back, but they didn't come for the longest time. I was about to leave to see where they were, but I never did. I didn't see the need to. Maybe they left for the funeral and forgot about me. Well, that was the hope.

Jess arrived first with a light blue razor and pink shaving cream. "Don't ask about this, but we kind of had to steal Erica's. She's gonna kill us when she finds out."

I didn't respond, and Jess waited no time to get to work. I don't know how back my facial hair looked, but it was clear that my sisters didn't like it. The usually don't mind my facial hair, but they always like to poke fun.

Once she was done, she smiled and said, "There! Now you don't look like some homeless guy." When I didn't respond, she quickly cleaned up and left the room before Erica could discover what she did. But a second after she closed the door, she popped her head back in. "Stay puppy."

"I'm not a puppy," I said after her, but I did obey.

I laid my newly clean face in my hands trying to figure out what to do as I waited, but this time I didn't have to wait that long.

This time all of my sisters walked into the small bathroom together. Jessica had a pair of scissors, Erica had a towel, and Jacqueline had hair gel. Even with these little things, I was scared what they was about to do. I was more scared about them cutting my hair than shaving my face, but Jess did it. I hear her complaining all the time how she has to shave daily.

"Don't move, we don't want you to mess our masterpiece up," Jackie said laughing.

"Don't worry, Patrick, we have absolutely no experience cutting anyone's hair," Erica added. "So, you're in great hands."

I sat there thinking about nothing. I tried to steer my thoughts from Jonny, but even with my silly distraction, I couldn't.

My hair didn't look that bad when they finished, but I really didn't care how I looked. They made me look like I wasn't in absolute hell, even though I was. After they drag me out, It was time for us to leave for the church.

I rode with my sisters, which was extremely nice to get away from my parents.

By the time that we got there, there was thousands of people there. Reporter and fans were blocked off by police officers, and invited people were heavily guarded as they entered the area.

Erica was waved into the parking lot as soon as the officer saw me in the passenger seat. "At a funeral!" she grumbled, clearly pissed that so many people was there. "It's a time of mourning not trying to get a stupid article or autograph."

No one said anything to her. My mind was too busy on other things.

Jonny is in there. He's lying not even couple hundred feet away. I can't go in there. The last time I saw him, he looked like shit. I can't see him again, but I won't see him again. I bet that Andree and Bryan choose a closed casket so we didn't have to see his beaten and bruised body. But I wasn't granted that lucky choice. Whenever I close my eyes, I see him in that hospital bed barely holding onto life.

"I need a drink," I mumbled, thinking that Mom told them about before.

"What, Patrick!" Jackie yelled. "You relapsed!"

I guess me not talking answered that. Crap! I thought that it was about to turn ugly in the car, but my sisters dropped it for the time being. I bet they were going to have a long conversation with Mom and Dad about me. I'm not making this easy on them, but I don't have it easy one bit.

Soon, we climbed out and made our way into the church. Erica and Jess held my hands as Jackie walked behind us. Our seats was in the second row, right in front.

As we walked to our seats, I saw so many hockey players and personnel. Q and his wife sat couple rows behind where I was. Almost every player that played with the Blackhawks were there. There was only three games tonight so most of the league could be here. Crosby gave me a sad nod when he saw me. This place was already packed.

You would think if you put about a hundred hockey players in a room, that it would be excruciatingly loud, but that wasn't the case here. All of us was mourning.

Why can't this just be some sick joke. Surprise, Jonny is alive and well. All of us were fools to believe that he's really gone.

I put my eyes in my hand as tears started to flow again. My whole body shook as I quietly wept. "Shit," I murmured as I frantically tried to wipe away these tears.

Jackie squeezed my free hand, and Erica put her arm around me. She was basically holding me.

"It's alright," Erica said so quietly that it almost felt like she hadn't spoke.

Soon Jonny's body was rolled in and the ceremony started. I didn't pay that close attention to what was said. I was too lost looking that the closed casket that laid in front of me. My sisters didn't move. The whole time they held me as I cried.

Before I knew it, Bryan and me with a handful of other hockey players was carrying the casket in the cemetery grass. We were slowly marching to Jonny's final resting ground. The spot where I didn't want to make it too. This whole thing was too real now. My tears sparkled as the continued to fall down my red face.

Then we made it to the spot, and we sat down his body. At that moment, I grabbed a hockey puck out of my pocket with a letter that I wrote when I was drunk couple of nights ago. I stood there holding it in my hand as they started to lower his body into the ground. I didn't move or made a sound other than me sniffling.

Once his body was in, I flipped one copy of the letter in the hole before it was started being covered. I wrote two letters. The other one is with my things with another hockey puck. Jonny's puck had my signature and a little message that said, 'I love you'. My puck had the same exact thing except it had Jonny's signature. We did this after our two year anniversary, and we never traveled anywhere without ours.

Dear Jonny,

I can't believe that you are gone. I love you so much that I don't even want to believe that this is true. You always have been my light in this world, and now without you I only see darkness. It's crazy how much I actually need you.

I know that your name will be in all of the hockey history books. The great Jonathan Toews. The guy who lead the Blackhawks to three Stanley Cups in six years. Third youngest captain in NHL history. Captain Serious. An amazing teammate, friend, and role model. But I won't remember you for any of that. I will only remember you for being a amazing boyfriend and the guy that I loved more than anything else in the world, even hockey. The man who changed me for the better.

Even now with you gone for only couple of days, I haven't been doing good. I broke one our biggest promises, but you wasn't here so I could talk to you. I don't know where to turn without you. What am I supposed to do without you?

I'm so sorry that I caused this. I should have just told you that I have been having nightmares of me losing you. That had always been my greatest fear since I met you, but now it's true. My dreams never were of death though. It was you just giving up on me. I chased you out of my life, and now you are dead because of me. Because I wasn't strong enough to tell you. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

I don't know if I'll be able to survive this or that I can move on. I love you Jonny so much that it fucking hurts. I wish that you didn't leave, but you did.

Until I see you again,

Kaner