Please Stay (Kazer)

What Now

The next thing I could comprehend was my mother's voice from the other side of the connecting door. I didn't realize that she had it open on my side so she could come over here.

"I know, Andrée, I can't believe that this happened. I'm sure none of us got any sleep last night, but how did you sleep?"

"Got about an hour, but you shouldn't worry about me. Patrick doesn't seem to be taking this well. I don't blame him; I know that he loved my son above everything else in the world."

"I'm scared for him. He wanted to shut down when his grandpa died, but if it wasn't for Jonathan, he would have. I have no idea what is going to happen with him."

"Just keep and eye on him. I can't lose another son. I only have three, and I plan to keep all of mine."

"Yeah, I can't lose Patrick, but I have this gut feeling that I might."

"You might be wrong though."

"God, I hope that I'm wrong. He just shuts down. I know that could mean absolutely nothing, but Andrée, I'm scared. There are many times where I don't feel like I could help him. I have always been lucky that he was surrounded by people who could truly get to him. We was always close, but it was nothing like his grandpa, Jonathan, and hockey."

Their voices stopped for couple of moments. I heard these words, but didn't sink in. My brain wouldn't work to allow them to.

The next voice that came was Bryan's. "We got some breakfast."

"Thanks," Andrée's voice answered.

"I better go over there to see if he's going to eat anything."

I didn't realize that my mother was in my room even after hearing what she said.

The bed dipped when she sat down next to my numb figure. I didn't pay attention to her, and I thought we sat next to each other for quite a while in silence. But like many things, I was wrong.

I knew that I was wrong when she put her hand on my knee. She used to do that all the time when she was worried about me for some reason. "Patrick, honey?" I finally heard her ask, but I didn't respond in anyway.

"Patrick..." I knew that this must be frustrating, but I couldn't respond. She took a deep breath before she spoke again. "Please eat, my son. Your father and Bryan went out to get you some food. You need to eat."

Continuing to look straight ahead, my mother left me with a kiss on my forehead. The must be killing her.

Time passed, and I didn't touch any of the food. I actually forgot that it was there after awhile. Even if I did remember that it was there, I wouldn't have eaten anything since I have no appetite.

If Jonny was here, he would force me to eat every single bite. With him, you could never skip a meal, but I loved food so it wouldn't be hard. Anyway if he was here, I wouldn't be like this anyway so that would solve this problem.

I wish we could solve this like that. It would be so simple, and it would save a lot of us from the burden of grief. Life however isn't that simple. It loves to throw curve balls.

I turned my head slowly to see the time now; 11:27. Eleven and half hours. It only was that long? It felt like an eternity had flashed by already. I wish somebody would just kill me right now to take me out of this misery.

I can't do that. Jonny wouldn't want that, but he's NOT here. why should I care what he wants now, since he just left me like that. I coud do the same, but I wouldn't be leaving him since he's already gone.

I felt the bed again dip next to me. I figured that it was my mother again, but I didn't pay any attention. I was too busy being pissed at Jonny for leaving me here all alone. Didn't he care for me? Didn't he love me?

I could scream or punch something at this moment. Anger was boiling up in me, and I needed to get it out. I could drink my pain out or punch the wall until something breaks or... My mind kept spitting out ideas that would hurt everyone even more it they heard my thoughts.

I just need a way out of this place. I need to forget about that idiot.

If he loved me like he always said, he wouldn't have left me. You don't just leave somebody you love!

I felt my body start to shake just because of pure anger. I didn't even try to control my rage since what's the point. He's gone. He left me. It's his loss anyway. I hate you, Jonny!

I was pulled out of my thougts when my mother patted my knee. "Patrick, honey." I didn't say anything, but somehow she knew that I was listening. "Honey, you need to eat something. Can you please eat something for me?"

Still not moving, I think that she gave up on that. "Honey, we are going up to Winnipeg tomorrow. Do you want me to grab something from your apartment?"

I put my head down trying to contain all of my tears and my anger. Why did you have to die?