Starcrossed

14. The Condom Broke

Yes, yes I have.

Many times I've laid on the bed at night while he snored away and thought about the future. I used to see myself going away for college to a place where Raul's abuse wouldn't reach me and where I could be rid of Memo's suffocating 'love'. I saw myself getting my degree in engineering and applying to major corporations where my work and intelligence would be appreciated. I saw myself finding a man who would love me and care for me unconditionally. Shit, I even saw myself having kids! To be honest, at one point I even saw myself renting a place with Lola if she were to go to the same college I was going to. Haha, now I can't even say I see myself being her friend...

When Lola came into my life, something changed. The way she sees life is very different from how I had seen it all these years. My world was black and white, while hers was color and HD for that matter. She saw the good in people and the bad too, but never focused on the bad. I saw the good in people and ignored the bad in fear that I would be the one being rejected. Lola isn't scared of rejection, she has shown that form the moment she stepped a foot into Crenshaw High.

With all the negativity around her, Lola didn't let that stop her. She is going to play Romeo in the school play, got the football team to give her a tryout, and even built a club for the gay and straight alliance. She has gone through so much because of who she is and hasn't let that stop her. She smiled through the bad times and laughs through the good times. Lola is someone to be admired and looked up to... someone who I aspired to be like.

Alas, that is not for me anymore... the life of a teenage mother with no idea who the real father of her child is, that is what I will become. The only thing I can become, really.

Realizing that my life had narrowed down to being another stereotype, I felt the need to have Lola by my side. I felt that if she was in my life, then I could actually do this whole single mother thing. It was selfish of me, I know, but at that point I was drowning! I can feel my face at the surface of the water, but a little shove and down I go again... fall into the abyss that is consuming me from the moment I found out I was pregnant.

When I told her I was pregnant, Lola was in shock. She stared at me and I could see so many emotions run through her eyes that it pained me when I saw disappointment flash there too. I questioned if it was the right thing to do and my heart screamed 'yes!' so loud I could have sworn Lola had heard it. I stood there, holding my breath, tears running down my cheeks, and my heart beats echoing in my ears before I was embraced in a tight hug.

She held me for what felt like hours but it was really minutes. When she pulled back, she had a sad apologetic smile on her lips and tears pooled in her eyes. She chuckled humorlessly once, hugged me again, and told me she'd call me in the morning.

And now it's the next day and no word from her yet. I know it was selfish of me and I still wonder if I did the right thing, but I'm just glad I was able to tell someone before this secret drove me mad. I stood up from the floor, brushed my teeth, and walked back to Memo's room. He was still asleep, snoring like he had no care in the world. I looked around his room, trying to find my jeans. I really needed to go home and get some clothes. I came to Memo's house with a change of clothes and have been borrowing his sister's clothes, but seeing as I'm pregnant I can't continue borrowing a fifteen year old tight shirts and skinny jeans.

I'm about a month or so, but it's hard to tell since I don't know if it's Raul's kid or Memo's. Thinking that there are two possible fathers, it makes me feel dirty; makes me feel like a slut. I don't even know why I slept with Memo in the first place. I hadn't been with him in the time we've dated, but then Raul hadn't done that in a long time too. Was that the answer? Did I sleep with Memo just to feel something? Ugh, the thought made my stomach churn.