Letters

dear sister

i tell you i hate you a lot, but i don't. 

i've never really hated you. 

well, except for the time you took his side. god, i hated you then. 

but, i don't anymore. 

and we fight a lot, but a lot less now that you're finally doing some growing up of your own. 

i know that i can't stop you, but the only reason i teased you and called you a little kid was because i wanted you to stay little forever, so you wouldn't grow up and you would always be my little sister. 

you'll always be my little sister. 

and i'll always be taller than you. deal with it. 

sometimes i think i should tell you things, but then i realize that you need to have your own experiences and so then i let you do stupid things. 

and when you do stupid things, i yell at you. that's only because i don't know how to tell you in the nicest way possible that you're being an idiot. 

in the nicest way possible, of course. 

and some things i tell you strangely, because they are strange things, but i'm not wrong. 

and i'm secretly glad when you take my advice. 

i miss softball, you know this. 

and so when i wormed my way into assistant coaching your league, you understood. 

you were still jealous, but you knew why i was doing it. 

when i didn't try out due to my own stupid pride, and you did, and you made it, all i could think was how much better you were than me. 

i wished i had tried out. i was scared. you learned this after a screaming fit. you haven't talked about it since, and you dropped out. 

i wish you hadn't, and i wish it wasn't my fault. but it is. 

your coach was one of my first coaches, and he always liked me, so he gave me on the side training and sat with me during the games, and he gave me advice. 

he was one of my favorite people in life, and he liked you too. 

but you completely shut down in front of me. i still don't know why.

but you're being more open with me now, which i appreciate more than you will ever know. 

you always were jealous of me, but i'm not really sure why.

because i was always so jealous of you.  

and you heard me crying at three am once, and you didn't confront me. so thanks for that. 

i heard you crying too, and it killed me. but i knew you would be too embarrassed to talk, so i listened to you sobbing through the walls. 

you've always taken after mom, and i always loathed that. 

i was always dad's daughter. 

you knew that. 

when he left, i detached myself from you. 

luckily, you told me the truth that i was hiding from myself, and we finally developed a relationship. 

i'll always want your straight blonde hair. and your blue eyes. 

you know that. 

and i think you'll always want my curls. 

i don't understand that. 

and i see you sometimes, looking at me in the mirror when i'm putting on makeup or brushing my hair, i know what you think. 

you think i'm pretty, which always boosts my confidence. because i know you will never lie to me. 

it's too bad i always lie to you. 

somethings you just shouldn't have to bear. 

which is why i make mom hide everything from you. 

i know it makes you feel worthless, but i'm trying to help. 

i just don't really know how to do that. 

i hope i learn soon. 

i love you more than anything. 

i'll never tell you, you already know. 

i hope you love me too. 

but seriously, stop stealing my charger or i'm going to hunt you down.

my yodel, this is your son