Day by Day

Hearts Should Heal

August 15th, 2015

The days keep passing by and I have yet to figure out what to do. I see him come by constantly, asking where I am. I see my phone ringing but all I can do is stare out the window at the beautiful blue sky. There were still times where I wanted to run back. Zacky always says that things will work themselves out but they haven't. I've ran out of patience. Out of reasons. 

He's coming up the driveway again. Matt knows I'm here and won't give up. Should I give him the satisfaction and finally talk to him? It's been two weeks already since we last spoke. I have to say something eventually. Today should be the day. His aviators glistened in the sun, fingers played with his keys. 

Zacky came to my room, looking more than irritated. Although, he was not irritated with me, I knew he was tired of the entire situation. He kneeled in front of me, my head against the wall, as my arms were wrapped around my legs. "He's here again," he whispered, the tone of his voice so calm.

I looked at him again, my eyes feeling the stinging from all my crying. He placed his hand on my knee, lowering his cheek to it. "I know. I'll talk to him," I said, my heart dropping to my stomach. 

"You sure?" He stared at me. I nodded, unable to make myself speak one word. "Alright, I'll let him know you're in here. Be strong."

He kissed the top of my head before heading towards the door. I stared out on the beautiful Saturday afternoon. I couldn't hear much of their conversations. There was a lot of mumbling and then someone's footsteps came practically running down the hall. I heard the door open, as I half glanced his direction. I didn't want to look at him. I wanted this conversation to not even begin. 

"Liv," Matt spoke from behind me. I didn't look at him. "I'm sorry, babe. I really am."

"I don't want to hear any more apologies. They're pointless in this sense," I spat with a bit of anger inside me. The tears were building up around my eyes. This was already getting too emotional and we haven't had a full conversation.

"Understandable. You're angry. I deserve it."

"Why are you here?"

"I wanted to see you. I miss you. I need... I want you to come home already. It's been two weeks. I'm miserable without you there. I feel so alone. Please come home."

I sighed, shaking my head. I turned to look at him. His hazel orbs staring intently at me. "So what? We can argue again. No thank you."

I stood up, walking over to the door. My hand gripped the door knob ready to open it for him. He stopped me. His arm extending towards it, holding it shut. I didn't want to fight, use my strength or my tears for today. He placed his hand underneath my chin so I could stare up at him. His 6'1 frame made my 5'6 foot height feel so small. I looked at him, the hurt in his eyes made me realize what made me fall in love with him. Those memories came fluttering back in a blink of an eye.

"I promise..."

"Stop promising," I whispered. "Stop telling me you're going to stop. It won't stop. We'll go back to the same thing. I just need time. I don't know how long. I need it though. This has been so much. So tiring. At my age, I shouldn't have to worry about anything. I want to just live my life, have babies, grow old together but it won't happen like this. I'm done. It's been too much."

"Then lets have a baby. I will give you anything, if you would just come home."

I tore myself away from him. "Do you think I want to have a baby that way? This  environment isn't even healthy enough to do so. You're making living with you like the worst decision of my life. Matt, just go, please." 

"I'm not leaving here without you." Matt walked over to me, his hands on my hips. "Look at me," he said. I obliged, seeing the redness in his eyes. "I want you. I need you. I love you. Come home, please."

I stared into his eyes. I did want to go home. I did want to be with him. I just wasn't sure if this was the perfect time to do so. I needed him to leave before I gave in. I knew I would. He has his ways of making me change my mind. My hand went up to his cheek, feeling the prickling of his 5 o'clock shadow. Gosh, he's so beautiful. He closed his eyes, enjoying the warmness of my touch. Gently, he placed a kiss on my palm, his hand touching mine. The spark was alive. I felt it in that instant. 

He leaned forward, brushing his lips on mine. I shivered, remembering the way he tasted. Fresh mint with a subtle hint of cinnamon. Perfect combination on such a perfect man. Matt grabbed a hold of my body, pulling me closer. He kissed me, the butterflies soon fluttering in my stomach. I wrapped my arms around his neck, getting him closer. I needed air but I couldn't tear myself away from him. The kiss became rougher. Our bodies hitting the bed. His hand slipped up my leg, goosebumps covering my entirety. This was magical. 

"Come... home... so we can... be like this... forever," he whispered between each kiss. I took in his scent, his taste, and the fullness of his heart. This was what I have been craving for. I wanted this. I needed this. 

Matt reached up towards my flannel to start unbuttoning. He did one, two, three, before I ripped myself away from him. "I can't." I jumped off the bed, my shoulder being exposed , while my hair flowed down my face. "Please... Please leave." I tried to catch my breath as I ran into the bathroom. 

I closed the door, as I heard him yell out after me. I locked the door. Matt started twisting the door knob as he called out my name. I looked into the mirror before breaking down, feeling like I had my entire life come crumbling down. Fuck, I want him to leave. I am starting to give in and I can't.

"Liv," Matt cried from behind the door. "Talk to me. Open the door please. I'm... I'm sorry. Just open the door and we can talk. I don't want to leave without you."

"Just go, Matt! Go!" I yelled as I let my body slide to the floor. My heart. It aches. "Please just go," I whispered, certain he was unable to hear me and the desperation in my voice.

The door opened and then closed. I rocked myself back and forth. I sat there unable to move an inch. My eyes wondered around the bathroom, before looking at the bathtub. I made my way into it, fully clothed. This felt like such an out of body experience. I turned it on, letting the water fall down my face and my body. 

A soft knock came from the door. I looked up, hoping it wasn't Matt. "Liv, are you okay?" Zacky said softly from the other side of the door. I didn't answer. I laid my head down, as the water rose in the bathtub. "Please answer me... You okay? I'm worried. Liv? I'm coming in." The door swung open. He looked at everything else before his eyes made their way to mine. "Oh god, Liv." He climbed in, pulling me towards his body. I cried in his chest. 

We stayed there for a while, not saying one word to each other. Why couldn't I be with someone like him? He makes me feel things that Matt just hadn't made me feel. The problems wouldn't have taken over my entire life. Zacky is such a one of a kind person and the love he feels is so real.

Zacky finally turned off the water, as he stood up. I didn't move. I felt paralyzed. With one swift move, he picked me up in his arms. He walked us over to the bed, gently setting me down. He tore off his shirt and shorts before helping me with mine. Grabbing a blanket, he placed it over us, laying down with me. 

The day turned to night, with no words exchanged. He simply laid there with me. His arms still around me. The emotional part of me has taken a toll. Nothing was enough anymore. This might have been it for us. No one understood what it's like to have someone you love hurt you so much. It affects you so much emotionally that you become enraged, confused and sad all together. Even just the conversations breaks you apart inside and out. That's what happened. I was broken. I was damaged. I was done.