How to Find a Life After

Scars flit across pale skin, reminders of the past that I have spent and the ghosts that I have fought. Abuse. It's an ugly word, a word that I am all too familiar with. Scars haunt my nightmares, making it impossible to look in the mirror, to look at myself. Scars cause me to do ugly things; play games, take risks. Scars. On my heart, on my skin, in my brain. I never thought I'd find a place where they weren't deep anymore, but amazingly it wasn't the scars that attracted his attention.

I fought hard, too hard, to be anywhere but this room that envelopes me in warmth, in love and affection. They don't say how hard it is, I think often on this, to move on. To find a life after. They don't tell us that making mistakes is part of the struggle; but it is.

I made a lot of mistakes, running from him, running from the life I have now. I broke hearts, ruined relationships without ever meaning to, and still, he found a way to look past the scars. I told him I was damaged and pushed him away from me, but he helped me build myself back up anyway. It took time to trust anyone again, let alone him. But I'm learning. And the scars are fading. No longer can I look at myself and see only the disgust, the lines on my pale skin, the bags under my eyes. I see a woman with dark hair and bright eyes, the woman she tried to beat down but I built back up. I see confidence and pride, things that my abuser long since tried to take from me. And I see someone with a support system wider than she could have ever imagined, and someone who fell in love despite the pain caused by the person she had once loved fiercely. I see myself in the mirror, the abused but the survivor; the now lover, the now future wife.

Abuse doesn't define us. Abusers don't control who we are, not after. And the scars,while they're ugly, they can't stop us. It takes time, and it takes mistakes, but there is a life after. And there is no 'how to' book to find it - you have to follow your heart, follow it as surely as you knows it beats within your chest. Because finding that life after, that is a work of mind over matter. It's hard, sometimes, to accept my life after. But he helps me everyday; he doesn't give me the strength, the permision, even the volition to do it. He gave me the tools to survive in my life after; but I gave myself the will. Everyday I'm learning, getting stronger, able to look in the mirror longer and with confidence. Everyday I know I deserve this life after, this second chance. With him beside me; I will recover. It just takes time to get to life after.