Destined

*11*

A soft tear lingered on Suman’s eyelashes, “It doesn't have to be like this.”

“No it doesn't but it is.”

They stayed quiet for another couple of minutes. Suman sighed through her nose, “Do you always,” she pointed at his forehead, “over analyse everything?”

“One of my vices.”

“What about your virtues?”

“The grips of the vices are stronger I suppose.” Shravan joked, “But I promise, Suman, I will try to be a better man for you because you deserve nothing less.”

“Can I ask you something?” Suman bit her lips. She looked uncomfortable and curious — both.

Shravan gave her an encouraging smile, “You can ask me anything.”

She lightly touched the forearm of Shravan's left hand, “Do you feel my touch?”

Shravan laughed, “Yes, but it's like — there's a cover, and I am feeling it through it. Something is there but I don't know what it is.” Suman nodded. 

There was so much hope shown in her eyes that made Shravan hyperventilated. She was just happy to know that he could feel her touch. But, she didn't know the severity of it. And he didn't want her to jump into this without any preparation. 

He needed to let her know the full consequences of being with him. “Suman, I,” he looked forward, “remember in the office I told you how I would give everything to have a family of my own,” Shravan finally managed to gather all the courage he had, “If you do this, it's possible that you can never become a mother.”

When Suman didn't utter a word he looked at her, she seemed confused as if she didn't know why this subject was even brought up. And this was the part he feared the most — he was ashamed of his incapabilities, he gazed at his feet, “You know my left side is paralyzed.” he sighed, “but initially because of my spinal cord injury both my legs were,” shaking his head Shravan closed his eyes. It was more difficult than he had imagined. 

But this beautiful girl needed to know this, so he started again, “What I want to say is, Suman, nothing is the way it was before,” Suman squeezed his hand in assurance, urging him to continue, “it's actually quite common problems for men with spinal cord injury that we don't have the same erectile function as before.”

He couldn't look at her yet Shravan could feel the heat her body was radiating — as though her whole self was blushing. “Luckily for me, I didn't have that problem, but it has a special name — ‘reflex erection’. 

“Initially it was hard like I could get an erection spontaneously, or even in reaction touch.” He humourlessly chuckled at a distant embarrassing memory, where he was all over his trousers because he was frustrated, and Rosemary was there to witness it. “With time it gets better, it's not erratic and uncontrollable anymore. But it doesn't last as long as it should, at least now I know what stimulates it.”

Shravan relaxed his head on the backrest thinking the worst part was over. But Suman had other plans, “But that day, in the office I felt,” and she shook her head, “I mean when we kissed,”

Shravan smiled and thought, how she was so at ease, “As I told you, it's gotten better with time.”

They sat another couple of minutes in silence. Shravan let her process every detail about him. Amazingly Suman still stayed beside him, not flinching, not a sliver of doubt in her eyes, and Shravan had to ask, “Now can I ask a question?” Suman nodded, “Why did you like me?”

Suman threw her head back as she laughed, “Oh, trust me I didn't. I hated you,” she laughed more, “I even told Rosemary that you are Lucifer in man's skin.” Suman tilted her head, a serene smile played on her lips, “But with time, I felt comfortable with your jabs, insults, and then the way you handle business even when all the odds are against you, I was surprised.” 

She looked at him, “That fascinated me. Your intelligent mind, your eyes that picked up every minute detail — that made me believe that I didn't make any mistake taking the job. Then that day your presentation at the office, I knew I was a goner. I couldn't recover from what I saw, what I felt. You were outstanding, owning the board room like a king.” Suman’s eyes haze recollecting the memory. 

“In the darkness of that room, the allure of your voice, your presence was unattainable. You were magnificent.” she let out a nervous chuckle, “I had no chance.”

How Shravan wished she could see what her words did to him. Noone ever described him like this, not even then when he was called one of the finest specimens of man. He felt tall, he felt whole. 

Overwhelmed, Shravan took a deep breath. He needed time to gather all his emotions, reading the time on the car's dashboard, “It's 3 in the morning, Suman, you must be tired.” 

Suman stifled a yawn, “And Nanu gets up at five, for what I don't know.” she laughed, “You too have some rest.” Saying she pecked his cheek lovingly. Shravan's heart almost burst out, when she said, “I already miss you, bye.”

Suman waved for the last time and closed the main door of her house. Shravan fished out his phone from his pocket and dialled Pushkar. “Finally! I am about to be abducted by the mosquitoes.” Pushkar slid in the car, “So when is the good news?”

“What good news?” Shravan tried to stretch but the pain in his back was severe. He was sitting in one place for a long time. With Suman time flew. 

Pushkar ignited the car and turned to look at Shravan. “Don't tell me I donated my blood to those mosquitoes for nothing. Did you ask her to marry you?”

Shravan almost jumped out of his skin, “Are you mad? We aren't rushing here, Pushkar. She needs to know what she is getting into. There's no way I am sabotaging her only chance of having a normal life. As long as she wants it and she gets it. But if this relationship ever goes towards the altar then it would always be her decision, not mine.”

“I don't know why your pin is stuck in that same place. That girl is clearly smitten. If she didn't want it, she wouldn't have sat beside you at this hour.” He pulled the car out of the lane towards the main road.

“Exactly like how I was with Alisha, I couldn't see a single flaw in her and look where that landed me.” Shravan could see from the backseat that Pushkar's fingers curled around the steering. Pushkar never liked Alisha in the first place. When his family welcomed her with open arms Pushkar frowned at her over friendliness.

“I don't understand what you are trying to imply? Are you just like that vile woman who used you and scraped you like mud under the shoes? Are you telling me you are using Suman? Are you trying to sell that Suman chose you and you had no other option but her?”

 Shravan sighed, “Yes, there were girls who were ready to be by my side, because of my — our wealth. I know Suman isn't like that. She is fierce, loyal, she has self-respect, she doesn't bow down to my negativity, she doesn't show me pity, I agree, and that's why I like her. But do you not see, how young she is, she doesn't know how life works. It's not a cinema, Pushkar, love is not what they show. Love is not life, you just need someone to love or to be loved to live life, nothing else. She is smitten, helplessly infatuated with me. I may be taking advantage of that because I am tired of being alone and miserable. But I can't forgo the fact this is not what I would want for my own sister or daughter if I had one.

“I will not ask her to go away but I will not force her to tie down just because it's convenient to me.” Pushkar opened his mouth to argue when Shravan grounded, “and you, and Maa, Papa will not interfere in it. End of the discussion.” An order that even Pushkar couldn't overrule.

Ravi was there to help Shravan to get in the bed. Pushkar was still sulking and grumbling under his breath. He was about to sleep when his phone vibrated on the side table. Pushkar grabbed it for him and handed it.

But I liked you the most because you didn't quit. And defeat doesn't finish a man, quit does. 

Suman

4.45 AM

***

Hopefully, everyone will be able to understand Shravan’s struggle.

If it made you cringe, then I am sorry. I had to make his struggle, his sadness real.

Let me know how you feel.