Posted: 10/19/2019
It's okay not to be okay. Or so they kept telling me. Repeatedly, I heard those words inside my head, the tiny voices inside my head making me feel empty and hollow. I woke up every day to the tiny congregation inside my mind.
'It's okay to forget"
"It's okay not to be okay."
Move on.
I blinked rapidly as I stood from my bed and shed my pajama shorts, leaving myself in my tiny black panties and a sports bra. I made my way into the small bathroom in my tiny apartment. My morning routine like every other morning. Washing my face, brushing my teeth, pretending that the girl I saw in the mirror looked back and myself with the fakest smile possible was perfectly okay. Took a quick shower, just the bare minimum, for the morning. I left the bathroom donning a towel. Searching my drawers for clothes for the day. I put on fresh underwear, undershirt and a pair of jeans as I looked around for a comfortable shirt in my dresser. Effectively finding one that would work I put it on and made my way to the kitchen.
My morning breakfast wouldn't exist today. Food not tasting the same anymore. I knew I had lost weight, I just didn't care. My muscles didn't care either. I grabbed a water bottle and a slice of bread and went back into my bedroom to put on my mask for the day. I didn't find myself to be that much of a beautiful girl, but I didn't care either way. I covered my bags and added the slightly heavy purple and black eyeshadow to my lids and added a light blush. Effectively covering the pale hue of my skin. I added some lip stain in a darker shade than usual and started my mirror smiles.
If you didn't know already it was something I always found myself doing. Smiling into the mirror at myself practicing the smile on my face. Did it look real today? If I did it enough would it become real? Could people tell how fake it was? I wasn't sure but in the end, I didn't really care one way or another.
My smile didn't mean anything. It was the haunted sadness behind my eyes that gave me away. I knew people who knew me well enough knew the truth behind my eyes. No one ever said anything about it but I felt like they knew.
It had been One year, five weeks, two days and seven hours since I last saw him...who I saw now every day wasn't the person I knew the person I had fallen in love with. The person who made me a whole puzzle.
His demons taking over his own insecurity's and affectively pushing me away. That somehow leaving me alone was better than being with me. He just didn't understand, that leaving me was a fate worse than death. I wasn't me without him. I didn't know who this girl was anymore. I was inside my body but I just didn't know who I was anymore. That hollow gaze I saw every morning reveled this sad and distorted person.
When I saw her, I hated her, she disgusted me. There was nothing looking back at me that I loved any longer. I grabbed my bag and my water bottle and made my way down to my car. I got inside and turned the music up as loud as I could stand it. Affectively, drowning out the world around me.
I got to work in record time. I checked my smile in the mirror making sure it was in place.
I'd never let him see I was hurt. I'd never let his demons win, my own demons tripping and snickering behind my back as I walked into work, wishing I could go back to one year, five weeks, two days and twenty hours ago. Turn back the clock of time. Scream no. Deny the end of an era. Not accept it and fight for what I loved more than I could ever love myself.
It's okay not to be okay....
Sure...
There's something to be said about soulmates. You never know you found yours until it slaps you upside the head like a fallen leave or in this case a falling box. Full of bricks.
I knew that soulmates existed I knew they did because I saw them first hand. I witnessed more than once a happy ending to believe it was possible. The problem was I didn't think it was ever possible for myself. There were just so many different factors to put into the equation. But I believed they existed. I knew that we were all born with a tiny hole inside ourselves, and at some point, in time we find this thing, person or otherwise, that just fills the gap. They make all the mesh inside your holy exterior, solid. You found them when you least expected it. They just arrived one day and you weren't even paying attention. It crept into your soul the soul you didn't think existed any longer and they latched on like leeches. Affectively sucking you dry of all feeling you had to offer. They were the piece to your endless word puzzle. They fit the mold and there was nothing you could do to hide from it.
Some tried to hide, tried to deny, but I didn't. I knew he was my person. The moment I spoke to him for more than five minutes. I knew it. His voice was like silk, and he smelled so good. He was funny and kind and he had this wild darkness around him that made him mysterious.
It was sad how we ended but the feelings of how we begin made my heart still ache.
I loved him.
And he didn't love me anymore.
