Vulnerability(Erwin x Levi)(Book 2)

The First Time...

A/N: so I guess this is book 2. Or maybe it's an alternate book. I kind of see this book as if Erwin died instead of lived. Like if it's followed what happened in the canonverse. So this book picks up where the last one ended, only imagine the first chapter of this book being the last chapter of the other book. If that makes any sense which it probably doesn't but continue to your angst.
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His face looks oddly peaceful for a man who saw such horrors only moments ago. In fact it's the most peaceful Levi's ever seen Erwin, which is sad considering the fact that the blonde is dead.

Erwin's features have relaxed and he no longer looks exhausted like the night he did before this expedition, or any other expedition for that matter. Erwin's big bushy brows are set in a relaxed line over his closed blue eyes, blue eyes that Levi is never going to see again. His lips are no longer a healthy pink and instead they are a bluish purple in colour and it almost makes him want to puke. He doesn't dare touch the man's skin because he knows that it'll be cold like ice and Levi's felt that enough times in his life as is.

The whole room makes him sick. From the floor to the ceiling to the nightstand with the vase of flowers on it to the bed and the dead man lying there. It makes him sick.

He doesn't dare touch the bed. He sits on the floor between the bed and the nightstand, placing his body an equal distance away from the two objects.

He's cleaned the room top to bottom which means that he doesn't have anything left to distract himself with, the images and storms in his mind swirling and raging without anything to stop them.

Hanji had left a few minutes ago to tend to Armin and he'd be lying if he said he didn't regret giving the serum to the boy instead of his lover but it's too late now. He's pretty sure that the reason he made this decision isn't because he made a promise to Erwin before the expedition to take down the Beast Titan, no, he's pretty sure he made this decision because it's what Erwin wanted.

That and Levi remembers seeing the youthful determination on Armin's face whenever he would talk about the ocean and Erwin had that same expression too at one point, but not anymore. Erwin's was dulled by realism and the fact that dreams weren't something they were allowed to have in this world.

Levi had thought back to his last conversation with Kenny before the man had died and how his uncle had stated that they only clung to dreams because it was the one thing that made them human, like how Kenny would cling to the sense of power but never actually pursue it. If the man had wanted to then he would have injected himself with the serum.

It was then that Levi realized that Erwin was exactly like that. He had a dream but he didn't intend on living long enough to see it happen and that was why he'd given the serum to Armin.

But, as he stated, he'd be lying if he said he didn't regret it.

He regrets it because he remembers the times when Erwin had been human and he had that same look on his face, that look of determination for the cause and to see his father's dream to fruition but Levi guesses that it was the war that got rid of that and made him nothing more than a dead man walking.
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Levi remembers the first time Erwin had been vulnerable.

It had been when he'd spent the night in Erwin's room for the first time after a night they spent together doing nothing but clinging to each other, Levi's hands sore from how tightly he gripped Erwin's body in an effort to keep him as close as possible.

They would bathe in the morning, Erwin had said, and as much as Levi wanted to protest because he could feel the sweat drying on his skin, he didn't say a word. Instead he agreed and let Erwin put an arm around his waist, waiting until the blonde's breathing became deep and steady before he settled in completely.

He knew he wasn't going to get too much sleep, he'd always had insomnia, he guessed the underground would do that to you. With Erwin, however, it seemed to dull a bit and he let his eyes flutter closed and curl up closer to the man sleeping beside him.

He was roused when Erwin's body began to twitch, the man's features tightening with fear and pain. Levi's heart began to race as Erwin opened his eyes but the blue in them was clouded by emotion. Erwin's whole body began to move and squirm and Levi watched the fast pace in which the blondes chest rose and fell with each heavy breath the man took.

"Erwin?" He said quietly, panic taking over his body as Erwin began to mumble unintelligible words. "Erwin, wake up." He demanded as he shook the trembling man.

Erwin's eyes flickered quickly back and forth before settling on his face and there was a moment of silence before Erwin's mouth opened and a frightening scream ripped out of his throat.

Levi's heart leapt out of his throat as he watched Erwin shoot up from the bed and collide into the wall with his shoulder before he turned back to face him, his body pressed as close to the wall as possible. There were a few moments where everything was still before Levi noticed Erwin's breathing slowing and he watched the blue of Erwin's eyes shift before he heard a quiet gasp. It was as if Erwin was finally conscious and realized what had happened.

Levi was just about to open his mouth to speak but Erwin was bolting out to the bathroom anyway so he didn't get a chance. The bathroom door slams shut and Levi takes that as his signal to leave.
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The next time Erwin has a night terror Levi manages to snap him out of it before it escalates like it did the last time.

Erwin seems just as embarrassed about it as he did the first time and right as Erwin is about to get up Levi pushes him back down on to the bed with a serious look on his face. He doesn't say anything to Erwin and when he takes his hand off the blondes chest Erwin gets up and goes to the bathroom anyway.
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Levi doesn't intervene the third time he witnessed an episode. He lets Erwin get up and go to the bathroom and he pretends he's asleep. When Erwin gets back into the bed with his back facing him, he speaks up.

"Everyone gets them, you know." He states quietly.

"What?"

"The nightmares," he clarifies, "everyone gets them. You just need to spend a night in the barracks to prove that."

He can hear Erwin huff before the room goes silent again.
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Erwin doesn't say anything more about his night terrors after that, but Levi notices that he doesn't run away and hide in shame after they happen. Instead, the man turns around and hugs Levi to his body and Levi is glad that he can give Erwin something that resembles comfort.