What Do You Want From Me??

The Shadow...

---- G's P. O. V---

I don't understand what I've done to make him so unhappy and withdrawn from me. We use to be madly in love, well that's what I thought. I gave him my all and I loved him whole heartedly while everyone told me to play the game with my brain and not my heart. I don't know what happened and  i don't know what changed  . Everyone told me to becareful of him, he's going to hurt me. But how do you leave someone that makes you smile, how am I suppose to just drop everything and walk away but at the same time how can I stay with the person bringing me so much pain, every time I tried to leave something tells me just stay. Main question on my mind and it's been there for days, did you change or did you never fucking care?? Was this all a game to you?

* Flashback to 2017*

In life we often find ourselves wishing for the impossible hoping that a new year will bring change, new year, new grade, new relationships, new faces, new us ok more like new them because nope still old me is here -the shadow, well that's how I feel and I so hope that no one will still think that way this year. Why does the universe have to curse my life so much. Can't I just be good looking like my friends, have all the curve's and be liked by every guy at school? Life isn't fair. Honestly I hate my....

"G get your ass out of bed right now,  it's 7:30 you have 20 minutes to get ready " the annoying old lady I'm stuck with shouts from the bottom.
" I'm up" I shout back . I take my time getting out bed I really just want to die alone in my bed.
Urgh I forgot to tell you I live with my nana because my mum is on a 'business trip' I believe she says so. Sometimes she tells me she loves me but that's absolutely a lie because if she did we would be under the same roof having a conversation but she can't even utter a word to me. I believe that I'm not the perfect daughter she's always wanted. My dad well I don't know where the heck he is on this planet called earth but my mum keeps saying he will come back, we all wish that God will come back to earth but do you see that happening. NOPE .  As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, I hate my life I just wish I could transform into someone else or something, but then we live in a world with no magic and it so happens that my fate is inevitable. I'm just the black doomed  child. Great.

Today I decided to wear black jeans, my superstars and a white crop, not bother to look slightly presentable it's not like anyone at school will be bothered to look at my dumb face. I made way for the stairs but on my way down they collapsed.
"stupid universe".
I went downstairs to have breakfast with my nana. I hear the cabinet's being opened and banged that's when I knew she was making food.
" You ready for your last term at that school" she beamed
" Uh I guess. It's not a big deal" I tried to sound enthusiastic honestly I don't know how to feel about it. I've grown up here, invested all my hours into that school and met people that in future I hope will talk to me.
" Bye nana" I kissed her check
" Don't wait up for me, I'm going out with a few friends"
Wow even my nana has friends.
Guess I'm just gonna die alone and let the ants feast off on me. Fucking amazing.
I started the ignition of my new BMW convertible that I got for my sweet 16th and I was on my way to hell, Yay me. 

You know it sucks balls living my life just being my "friends" shadow.  To people I'm either invisible or ugly. No one acknowledges my appearance. Sometimes I wish I could find lov..
'ouch, watch where you going dumb ass'
I was angry, not at the person that ran into me but mostly at my life ( the universe) and they just happened to appear at the right stressful moment. Infuriating.
'I..i.. I'm sorry, I'm new here and I don't know where to go' he stutters. He sounds like a nerd but Holy mother, he looks divine. Not as in like food divine but he does look amazing
" Ok brain shut up now" I thought to myself. I can't really point it out but he has a slight hint of bad ass , I like it. One hella strong jawline with perfect pearly white teeth, curly hair and broad shadows that I wish would just lift me up against this locker right now. His brown eyes can turn me into mash just by one look, they tell a dangerous story with that tint of orange..  Mmhmm take me...
"Bad girl G concentrate. You know you're just invisible now carry on walking".
  My inner voice (such a bitch) why you have to remind me?.

'oh.. Uhm. ' I stutter
 Damn it what do I say I have never spoken to the opposite sex before.. no no let me clarify that I've never spoken to anyone besides my "friend" Lee. Speak of the devil and it shall appear.
'sup G,  I was starting to think that you weren't coming to school today... Holy mother f**,  uhm hi I'm Lee '. She reaches out her paw, stupid bitch I really can't stomach her .

'uh Hi..  I'm Jake' he returns the gesture and I look away I can't stand here any longer but my feet are glued to the ground.
'

You look like a fresh face, new kid around the block ?'
' Yea.. uhm sorry but I have to get to my maths class. See you around?' for a second my eyes fool me cause he was looking at me. I think. Wait rewind what just happened?
' I could walk you there , you know.. so you don't get lost' Lee says while twirling her hair around her index finger batting her eyelashes at Jake.
What the fuck .. is this bitch for reals right now .. she's literally stealing my man right in front of me and I can't do anything about it... She turns her heels and they make they're way down the hall as her heels click against the floor.
And here I stand alone in the hall way.. Yet again!
Great just what I needed,  back to being that girl..  Why on earth am I friends with her again oh yeah I'm just her homework slave now I remember.  It sucks being the DUFF of the group that so happens to be a nerd.

Obviously Lee, she walks in and steals every damn spotlight,Surprisingly!.
Lee and I have been friends since kindergarten. Since first grade she's been kind enough to make me her "friend" but as the years progressed I realised my mother and her mother plotted our so called friendship and she had no choice but to suck it up.. She became popular in fifth grade, her and her new friends began to ill treat me until she realised she needed me because her dumbass and big knockers weren't enough to get her to the next grade. So there I was with the fakest smile on my face looking at the closest thing i have ever had called a "friend" take what's rightfully mine yet again.

Why would anyone love me, I'm not worthy of love. Even my own parents don't love me. These thoughts began to fill my head and haunted me. I'm okay don't pity me. I have been ok on and off for the past few years of my life. The worst part of being okay is that , okay is far from happiness. Okay is that gray space where you can wake up everyday and carry on with life, but okay isn't joy. Okay isn't looking forward to each second of your life, and okay isn't getting the most out of your life. Being okay is what I have settled for and pretend okay is fine when I actually hate it. I spend majority of my time waiting to break out of just being ok. But I've been okay for so long that I'm not sure how to get out of it , but I hope for the day I can say I'm great and not OKAY .
But it's okay right life moves on and so does mine.

( Will continue writing once I find my gist. School really drains ones imagination. Please comment and give in suggestions will really like help to gain direction and external input on what to write next..
Contact me on instagram @i_am_pineapples )