No.

12:47 AM - 1:20 AM

This is the time I lay awake at night, staring at the bottom on the empty top bunk that I refuse to sleep upon. I'm tired. I want to sleep, but alas, sleep doesn't come. Not until I've had time to judge and worry over every decision I've made today, before deciding it doesn't matter, nobody knows I exist anyway. Thinking takes too much work.

Perhaps that's why I'm always so fucking tired. I think too much, about things that don't matter. My thoughts like ghosts, not really making any sense but they still hover around me and feed off any tiny amount of energy I have. I don't know what it's like to be happy right now, in this current moment, because I can't remember my emotions. That uses energy.

I still feel happy, sometimes, if something really fucking good happens. That's rare, and momentary. There's always this ghost in the back of my mind. A lot of people think I'm sad all the time, because of these ghosts. Truth is, I don't really remember what it's like to be sad either.

I don't remember disgust, or lust. Or irritation, annoyance. I know fear, because of another ghost called "Anxiety." He comes and goes. A lot of the time, I don't feel anything. I know anger. I'm not sure why.

I don't even feel numb. Or empty. Sometimes, I'm not even sure I exist. I don't feel, unless stimulated. Even then, the ghosts have to fucking ruin it.

I'm not saying every one experiences depression the same way, but this is how it is for me. I am so tired of seeing stories on this god damned website about depression or anxiety and then reading them and the first line is "I cry into my pillow, the salty tears wet on my face. I do this every night because my depression. Everything I do is because my depression. That's why I [enter self-harm action] because I'm sad. I'm sad because my depression." No. It gets better though, because then later in the story I read something like, "He saved me, my 6'3" boyfriend with his pale green eyes and smooth complexion. His touch cured me. He showed me what happiness is like and I don't cry anymore. He is my happy!!1!!1" First of all, depression doesn't fucking go away you stale fucking eggs. Do your fucking research. Fuck.

I don't know if you've noticed but I swear a fucking lot. I don't care. You can either deal with it or fuck off, because I honest to god do not care if I offend someone. I don't sugarcoat shit anymore. This is some heavy shit I'm gonna talk about here, so if my swearing bothers you, turn around.

Let me tell you what is wrong with those stories; Those stories romanticize and fetishize a literal fucking chemical imbalance of the brain. A literal fucking mental disorder. Why? I don't know, go ask one of those fucking Beckys', they must know.

Anyways, you can't fix us, and I swear to the great Lord and Savior up about if I get one of you fucking hippies in my inbox saying I just need to drink more water and think positive, I will seriously lose my shit. So don't. You can't fix us because we aren't broken. We are just a little different.

Can we improve? Fuck yea. Do most of us? I have no idea. Have I? Yes. Am I still depressed? Yes. Do I struggle with anger? No. I don't struggle with it. I'm an angry person, fucking deal with it.

Pretty boys can not "fix us with one touch!!!" Because that's literally not how this shit works. You want to know how we get "fixed?" Counseling. Prescription drugs. Therapy. Attempting self care. People around us not giving up on us.

Now, I'm not suicidal. I have no memory of ever seriously considering it. I don't sleep like I should and I don't drink enough water. Sometimes I'd rather be dead than talk to someone or go somewhere or exist because really, I am tired. This shit is exhausting. And we haven't even gotten to my buddies anxiety and self-doubt yet. I'll save that for the next chapter.

If anyone reading this is suicidal, I can promise you it's not worth it. It's better to stay here, even if some days you just lay in bed. Get some help, guys. This world isn't gonna help you if you don't try at least a little.

That's all for this chapter I guess, I'm going to bed now. Maybe. I'll try.