Welcome to Night Vale.
Today Old Woman Josie was spotted stepping out of her light blue sedan, even though her daughter has repeatedly told her not to operate the vehicle because she is "becoming old and, admittedly, rather forgetful". She was at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, and I regret not being there myself. However, Station Management told me that I would have to record that day, and regretfully, I remained at the station.
The Glow Cloud has made a reappearance, much to the chagrin of Steve Carlsberg, damn him. I have just received word that Carlsberg is currently in the town square warning residents that the Cloud is being controlled by the government, which he is very much against. As I will now reiterate, things like this are just inconsequential byproducts of big government, and no one should be concerned. Steve Carlsberg is scaring our wonderful town's children with his outlandish fantasies. They'll have nightmares for weeks; what an asshole.
Due to the recent sandstorm, many of the citizens of our town have been attempting to deal with their doppelgangers, but many of these confrontations have swiftly turned into fist fights. I was told by the City Council that I should inform you viewers that taking popcorn and lawn chairs outside to cheer during aforementioned fights is wholly inappropriate and if you do decide to do so, you may be subjected to the Pit of Carnivorous Armadillos.
On another note, I tagged along with the Boy Scouts on their trip to the woods the other day, and it really brought back memories of my own scarlet envelope and the days I earned my Advanced Siege-Breaking Tactics and Subversive Radio Host badges. During my time as a Boy Scout, I learned to flee fire, dodge flying antelopes, and survive near-starvation. Such a fun experience. On this recent trip down memory lane, I attempted to help one boy who was having trouble with the antelopes, which were yelping and didn't look like they enjoyed being turned into dangerous projectiles. I can't imagine why not. I was actually doing very well and the boy was very grateful until I told him to go right when I should have said left. A simple mistake, really. He walked away from that trip with a badly bruised head and ego, and I learned that his name was Ethan when I got the hospital bill and lawsuit information just today.
Baseball season started yesterday, and I am pleased to inform all you listeners that we beat Desert Bluffs rather handily. Our new pitcher doesn't have the most fantastic aim, but it didn't really matter yesterday, since he sent many batters back to the dugout in tears. His telepathy is really a fantastic asset to the team, and we want to give him a shoutout to remind him of that fact. Thank you so much!
It is a solemn day, as our community is still mourning the loss of Carlos's breathtaking locks. It is beginning to grow back, though, and the grey streak glints in the sunlight. Oh Carlos, I feel compelled to still be angry with you, but I find myself unable to! I'm still thinking of ways to catch your attention, and I will find a fantastic one someday.
This week's PTA meeting was quite successful, and the pterodactyls were kept at bay. The two mothers feuding over whether or not a child needs a financial incentive to eat less resolved their issue, and they are now good friends. And thank goodness they did solve their problem, since one of them had picked up the plastic butter knife from the complimentary cream cheese and bagels at the meeting and was baring it menacingly. Crisis averted.
I was going to devote only one segment of today's broadcast to Steve Carlsberg, but I have just received word that he is now trying to get an article published in the paper that talks about the Glow Cloud being a dangerous government-controlled object that must be taken down with grappling hooks and small children. What an asshole.
At the elementary school today, one child attacked another with an antique fountain pen that was on the teacher's desk for an upcoming history lesson. This teacher is now being sued for negligence, which even the judge has called bullshit.
In this awful desert heat, I find myself often wondering what exactly the sun is really there for. It doesn't seem to be watching us, although it has a tendency to hide at night. So mysteriously intriguing.
So, my dear residents of Night Vale, be careful and safe and always avoid the Dog Park. Goodnight, Night Vale, goodnight.
