I Shouldn't Love You Anymore | Alex Karev |

Chapter 13

"Anyway, one night, I was out with Amy and I think I was the highest I'd ever been, and Mark and Derek were looking for us, because they found out that we weren't having Scrabble nights, but instead we were out partying and snorting cocaine, sleeping with guys that were double our age, and basically doing everything we shouldn't have been doing. So Mark and Derek tracked us down to this nightclub, and so Amy and I decided to escape out of the back exit so they wouldn't find us, and then, I started throwing up. Amy thought nothing of it, thought I probably just had an upset stomach, but I was throwing up a lot, it was so bad, and then Mark and Derek found us, and I was passed out in her arms, and Amy was crying. Mark scooped me up, and he drove me to a hospital he worked at as an intern, and they pumped my stomach. I was out for a few days, the overdose had completely taken control of my body. It was traumatic, and it took a toll on everybody. When they discharged me, I was on house arrest. Mark wouldn't let me out, and once I'd graduated from Columbia, still top of my class despite my addictions, he sent me straight to rehab for three months. I came back, and got into medical school no problem, because of my skills and talents, and they knew that Mark was my brother, so I got in, graduated top of my class again." I said, smiling at the memories which medical school brought me.

Medical school was like a breath of fresh air after the dark period of time. I was able to do more surgical things, and it was fun. For once in my life I felt in place.

"Then, before I was supposed to start my internship, I started hallucinating, seeing things. My parents were everywhere, they were round every corner, and it started to affect my life again. So then, I decided that NYC it just, wasn't the place for me. So I decided I would move, and I didn't tell anyone where I was going because they'd beg me to stay, and I would relent and stay there, and I just couldn't be there anymore. So I picked Seattle, coast to coast. I applied here for a surgical internship, and they accepted me into the program. I thought, great, a new beginning for me. I could finally escape from my past. The night before my internship begun, I came across Joe's bar, since it was right next to the hotel I was staying at. I was just having a drink, no spirits, otherwise I'd be back to my old habits, when I saw Alex. You may know him as Doctor Karev? Anyway, one thing led to another, and I found out he was staying in the same hotel as me, so I ended up going back to his room, and we slept together. When I found out he was in the surgical program, well, you can imagine that it was a shock. He got placed in the same group of interns as I was, and sleeping together started becoming a regular thing. I started to fall in love with him. We started dating, but we kept it a secret so the other interns wouldn't pry. Then, do you remember, around a year and a half ago, when we had that syphilis outbreak on the surgical floor? Well, we all finished our shifts and we went back to the locker room, and George, he was dating some nurse at the time, and George had been diagnosed with syphilis. Turns out that George got syphilis from the nurse, and the nurse got the syphilis from Alex. So that meant that Alex must have slept with the nurse while we were together, since we'd been together since the very beginning of our internship. So, I broke things off with him, and then Addison Montgomery arrived here. She was my best friend, but I felt trapped, because Derek was already here, and it felt like the whole of New York was following me. It sounds selfish and petty, I know, but I wanted to be alone." I explained, making large hand gestures to make my point. 

Doctor Wyatt was patiently listening to my story, getting interested in my dramatic life. I paused for a second, my throat becoming dry. Doctor Wyatt offered me some water, which I gladly took and gulped it down, and then I continued with my tale. 

"A few weeks after the syphilis ordeal, I got drunk one night in Joe's bar. Alex was there, and he took me home so I was safe. And because I was that drunk, I invited him back into my room. Then, we slept together. I felt awful the next morning, both from a hangover and shame that I had slept with the guy who had played me not long ago. Alex seemed pretty eager to get back into our relationship, but I didn't want that, in fear that he would just cheat on me again. But, I couldn't resist, and we were back to square one, where I was continually sleeping with him again. I insisted that I wanted a no-strings attached relationship, and he reluctantly agreed because this would be the only way he could be somewhat close to me again. Then, remember the bomb incident? When that happened, a fellow intern, Izzie Stevens, realized she wanted to pursue a relationship with Alex, and it was at that moment I knew that I still loved him, so I chased after him, and then it sounds cliche but, we confessed our love for each other in an on-call room, and we decided to restart dating again. This time around though, we decided to be open about it, because last time we were secretive about it, and more problems came about." I said.

I glanced at the clock on the wall, and realized I still had a half hour to go before my session was over. Doctor Wyatt nodded at me, spurring me on to continue talking. Now that I was talking, I just couldn't stop. I realized that it felt a lot better to let my feelings out, rather than boxing them up inside of me. 

"Anyway, Mark came and visited me for my birthday, and that was a nice surprise. He met Alex, and I could almost feel the tension in the air between them. I could see they had a certain dislike for each other. Mark's moved here now. Then, within the next few weeks, I met Doctor Callie Torres. She became the closest thing I have to a best friend, and I was there for her, she was there for me, bla bla bla. She got married not so long ago, and look at how this turned out. George cheated on Callie with Izzie. They've split up now, and I just about think that I never, ever wanna get married. Well, she's sleeping with my brother now, so that's totally not awkward. And, a few weeks ago, Alex broke up with me. No serious reason. He just didn't want me anymore. Which, kinda took its toll on me, but I'm trying my best to be happy through it. Then, pretty recently, actually the day that Alex broke up with me, I slept with an intern. I mean, you're probably gonna think that I'm some sort of whore now, but trust me when I say that I'm not a whore. I was just upset and drunk, and the intern was just there. I needed some sort of comfort." I finished. 

So now, Doctor Wyatt knew nearly everything significant which had happened in my life. I was kind of glad now, that Mark had referred me to her. She was a good listener, which I guess was an important skill if you wanted to be a psychologist, but really, I felt a some sort of connection with Doctor Wyatt, a connection which told me that I could really trust and tell her everything that was on my mind. Doctor Wyatt scribbled down some more notes for a few more minutes, and then she sat back up straight and rested her head on her hands. 

"And how do you feel about all of this?" she finally asked, making me give her some sort of deranged smile, which probably made me look like some psychopath. I gave her a maniacal laugh, and shook my head. Maybe I really did need therapy. 

"I don't know, I mean, everything happens for a reason. I guess I'm just happy to still be here. I'm obviously upset about it all, I haven't had the easiest life. Take, for example, Lexie Grey. She had the exact opposite of what Meredith Grey had growing up. She had a loving family, everything a kid ever wanted, she's crazy smart, she got into Harvard Med School, and she got into the program here. She's extremely pretty, and she's now sleeping with Alex. What a freakin' perfect life, huh?" I said, blinking back tears once again. 

"Okay, before we wrap up the session, I'm gonna give you some advice. Don't dwell on the past. Dwell on the future. You're probably gonna meet another guy, you're gonna get another shot in love. You have people around you who care about you. You must be pretty smart if you're a goddamn surgeon. First of all, starting from tomorrow, each day, I want you to test how much you have a negative outlook on things. Say if, you have a patient who you secretly think won't live, you write that down, as a negative act. Then at the end of the day, make a tally of how many times you were negative, and then in our next session, we'll take a look and see how we can improve on your pessimism, okay? This session is over now, take it easy, okay, Doctor Sloan?" Doctor Wyatt informed, and I plastered a fake smile on my face, and then left the room, and stormed down to the surgical floor for rounds. 

I saw that one face, and I found that fake smile again, and barged past him, keeping my head held high. Alexander Karev would not be my first on my tally, not on my watch, he wouldn't.