Thoughts

Chapter 2

I was not sure on where to go with this, so I am really sorry for the delay on it, I wanted to be gentle with this and I've been writing and re writing it since I uploaded chapter one. WARNINGS once more as we dive into more talk of Jimmy and why the guards bothered Rose so much.  Read with caution and I hope you forgive me for taking so long. 

Rose woke up cold and numb, and she could tell that it was the middle of the night. She sat up in bed, listening to the hum of the TARDIS, and peered around the room.  It was her bedroom. She looked down at her hands.  Those were her palms, but it didn't feel like it.

This didn't feel like her body, and even if it was, she decided, she didn't want it.  She felt useless, like her body and her mind had no meaning.  Tears welled up but never slid down her cheeks, sitting behind her eyelids, waiting near her lashes.  She didn't even feel like crying.  She just felt empty.  She didn't feel like she deserved to live.

"Slag," She whispered to herself, then pinched her eyes shut.  She'd felt this before, when Jimmy left, and she didn't want to feel it again now.  

She breathed out a sigh and swung her legs over the bed.  She knew immediately that she wasn't going to fall back to sleep, and she needed to find the Doctor.  

When she made her way out to the console room, he wasn't there. She huffed out a sigh, feeling awash with sadness. Even the Doctor had abandoned her, and he really hadn't wanted to see her. 

She blinked, scolding herself for the thought.  He had probably just gone to bed.  He had probably had a rough go of it too.  She rubbed her eyes and walked back into the hallway, silently asking the TARDIS to bring her near to the Doctor's room.

It took several minutes, because it seemed that the ship had a difficult time finding the room as well.  Finally, a wood door appeared in front of her and Rose knocked on it softly.  She waited for a few moments and knocked again.

"One minute, Rose," The Doctor said from inside, his voice gravelly with sleep.  Through the thin wood, she could hear him shuffling about, getting out of the bed and coming back to the door.  He opened it, rubbing his eyes as he did so. His hair was ruffled and he wore a simple t shirt and sleep pants.  "Are you alright?"

She shook her head. "Can I come sit with you?" she whispered.

"Of course," he held his hand out to her, and she slid her hand into his, letting out a breath of relief when he offered her a shy little smile. It was wonderful, to have him at her side.  He pulled her gently into the room and shut the door behind them, furthering the illusion that they were alone, even though they were the only two people on the ship.  

The Doctor's bed sat in the middle of his room, and he moved towards it, looking at Rose questioningly.  They'd shared beds in prison cells, but never here, never on the TARDIS, never in his bedroom. She swallowed and nodded, releasing his hand to go to the side of the bed where the covers weren't turned down, not wanting to take his side.  

She sat stiffly under the covers, her back against the headboard.  The Doctor crawled in his side and sat next to her, his back up against the headboard as well. He looked over at where she sat, staring into space.  

"I'm not going to make you talk," he said softly, "But I wish you would."

"I think I should," she replied, "Even if it's hard."

"Okay,' he nodded, trying to be encouraging, "Yeah."

"I want to die," she told him, and she heard all the breath leave the Doctor.

"May I sit closer to you?" he asked her softly.  She nodded and he scooted closer to her and reached for her hand.  Holding that hand firmly in his lap with both of his, he said quietly, "Why would you want that?"

"I'm..." She bit her lip. Why wasn't she crying? Shouldn't she be crying??  "I'm not worth love," She said finally, "I don't deserve it.  I don't deserve to live.  I want to be happy, and I was... But the guards reminded me that I don't get to have that."

The Doctor's hearts were racing, she could feel it.  "I think you deserve to be happy, Rose," he told her, "And I don't know why you think you wouldn't."

"Jimmy Stone?"

"Who?"

"I dated him.  Left school for him. I was supposed to marry him.  But he didn't actually wanted me, I was just his plaything.  And his punching bag."  She tilted her head back against the headboard. "I let him.  I let him hit me and I let him call me a slag and a whore.  And he beat me so bad, one day, that Mickey found me.  I guess my phone had dialed him by accident when I tried to call 999.  But when he found me, I was on the ground in the flat I shared with Jimmy, an' he was nowhere to be found.  Took all my money."

"Oh, Rose-"

"So I was nothing. I sat in that hospital and wished that he'd killed me, because a stupid whore like me didn't deserve to live.  My mum made me go to a counselor, and I thought I was better." She turned to look at him. "I was nothing till I met you.  And then we get here, and they call me all those names again, and they make me feel like I'm nothing again.  And I'm just, s'not right, is it? That you travel with me when you could have someone better."

He shook his head. "No, Rose," he said firmly, "I am traveling with you because I want to be. Because I think you are brilliant, no matter what's happened to you in the past, no matter who hurt you.  Because you are still the most wonderful woman I've ever met in my life, even after hearing all this."

She smiled weakly, "Charmer."

He smiled back, but shook his head again, "If I was trying to bed you, Rose, I would have done it by now," he reached out with his free hand and cupped her cheek.  "I will live the rest of my life convincing you that you're fantastic, if that's what it takes."

Her lip trembled and she finally felt the tears coming on.  "You'll stay with me tonight?"

"Yes, of course." 

"Thank you," She whispered.  

"I'm going to stay by your side until you at least feel a little better.  Would you... I think I should take you back to London, to see a counselor. I could even go with you, if you wanted."

"I'm not ready to think about that," she told him. "Can we just have a cuddle, for now?"

He kissed her forehead and scooted them down under the covers.  "I'm glad you came to me, Rose," he said softly, "And I hope you never act on those thoughts.  Please."

"I don't even know how I could," She admitted, "I just knew I wanted to."

"Well, the TARDIS wouldn't let you," he told her gently, "And I wouldn't let you," he pulled the covers up around them and wrapped her up in his arms. "I care about you too much."

"Will you be here when I wake up?" She asked, tears touching his t shirt.

"Yes," he said, pressing a kiss to her temple, "Yes."

Rose let out a shuddering sigh and cried herself to sleep against the Doctor's chest.  He sent up a request to the TARDIS to keep them locked int he room until he woke up, to keep her safe.

Rose didn't know just how much the Doctor would do to keep her safe.