For years I was scared to die.
Then all at once I wasn't.
I had these voices in my head just screaming horrible thoughts, they would go on and on like a never ending cycle.
"He's not gonna wake up."
"They're all going to die."
I thought these words would never stop.
I was scared of my mind.
My mind was like it's own person, it was on its own clock.
I never slept. My mind stayed up through the dark of the night.
The anxiety.
It rushed through my veins like blood.
Every second of the day thinking of endless possibilities of what could go wrong.
The heavy pressure on your chest could make you go insane.
I was scared.
I couldn't tell anyone. My family had its own problems, I couldn't add to the plate.
I never wanted to be home. My house was too crazy.
Every time I walked through that door I was afraid of what I might see.
I hated school.
The anxiety seemed to get worse there.
I couldn't pull my grades up.
I was ashamed.
I thought it couldn't get any worse.
I was wrong.
I was at the point in my life where I didn't care if I lived.
The only thing keeping me sane was the thought of my family, they were the strongest people I had ever met.
We moved and everything went okay for me until I was introduced to social media.
My anxiety was louder then ever.
I was convinced that you had to be perfect. You had to look a certain way. I would look at these girls on the internet and with every scroll I hated myself more and more.
I would ask myself daily why I didn't look like them.
I hated my body.
I wouldn't go swimming.
I hated the how the clothes fit on me.
I hated my face.
My eyes.
My noes.
I hated everything.
Most days I would tell my parents I didn't feel good so I wouldn't have to eat.
Other days I would try and throw up what I did eat.
I needed to be perfect.
Again, I didn't tell a soul and I was ok with it.
2016.
I talked, I told.
The first person I told was my best friend.
She held me while I sobbed.
I felt safe for the first time in a while.
And I thank her for that everyday.
I opened up. Slowly, but I did it.
My family was there for me through it all.
I am forever grateful.
I am happy.
