lovely // Taylor caniff

chapter 10

Carmens POV

"can I borrow some pajamas?" I asked Taylor from the other side of his bed. he was taking his shirt off.

"yeah, you ok with a t-shirt and boxers?" he was making his way to his dresser. I nodded. he threw me a white shirt and a pair of plaid boxers. I awkwardly stood there, if I just undressed he'd see my scars. they were on my hips, thighs and wrists.

"oh, sorry. I won't peek I swear." Taylor said smiling, he covered his eyes with both hands tightly and turned away from me. I dressed as quickly as I could.

"done," I muttered.

Taylor pulled a folded blanket from under his bed and placed a pillow on the floor. "um Taylor, whatre you doing?"

he looked at me crazy. "making myself a place to sleep. what do you think?" he chuckled.

"oh. I was sort if hoping youd sleep with me." I said scratching the back of my neck. the shirt was so big on me, it reached my knees.

"sure, I was hoping that too." Taylor laughed and crawled into bed after turning the lights off.

soon after I lifted the covers and snuggled down. his covers were so comfortable. after a while, I found myself snuggled against Taylor in a very comfortable. my back were resting on his abs. ugh, his abs.

we layed there for about 30 minutes. "you okay?" he said, leaning down to see my face. I smiled through the darkness. "yeah, you?"

"better than ever. usually I don't go to sleep until around 3:00 a.m. its 10."

"same, can I use your laptop for something?" he just nodded and released me from his grip. I'd made it a habit to always check my hate page. I don't know why, I just needed to know what propel were saying.

I got up and walked to a chair across from his bed. I scrolled through the comments and felt like crying. I couldn't though. Taylor would ask what was wrong.

more comments about my "sluttiness" and what not. I couldn't take it. I needed to cut. I couldnt I couldn't I couldnt. so I scratched. I started to breathe heavily and scratch my arms. I was shaking. o shit...I'm having a panic attack.

I quickly logged out of the website and closed the laptop. then out of habit, I started sobbing and pacing the room. of course Taylor noticed.

"whoa whao baby what's wrong?" he stood up, only in boxers.

he walked to me and wrapped his arms around me. "wait, why are you still wearing bracelets?" o shit. o shit o shit shit shit shit shit. I started crying louder.

I felt like the air was shirnking and I couldnt get enough of it to function. I was shaking harder and harder by the second. Taylor picked me up, bridal style, and walked me to his bed. I curled into a tiny ball. he wrapped his arms around me and calmed me down. after 35 long minutes, I was back to regular breathing.

he sat me up to face him. "I have 3 questions that you need to answer. what was so bad on my laptop that made you like that? what was that? and, why are you still wearing bracelets."

"Taylor, I-I can't tell you that. you can't know. I won't tell you." i said stubbornly. he just sighed and uncrossed my arms.

"baby, I can help you. ok? I want you to know that I care. a lot. now please tell me". Taylor sighed and looked at me, his eyes were pleading.

I sighed loudly. he obviously wasn't going to quit. "uhm, that was a panic attack."

"babe, those don't define you. you shouldnt be ashamed. but that answers one of my questions. why don't we start with why you wear bracelets all the time."

"uhm. I can't. I cant-" I paused. "ohkay. I self harm ok. I cut myself. I'm a freak who cuts herself and I have no Friends because of it and it sucks to know that you won't look at me the same." I let out a very long breathe.

he cut me off with a hug. Taylor then pulled back and showed me his wrists. "you aren't alone."

I gasped. I was shocked at what i saw... little white lines.