Depressing Poems

41

Um... something happened last night. I had a huge panic attack and my depression came to attack me. My dad took my phone, and that's how that happened. This one will hit close to home for some of y'all, i hope ;) also, this will be very triggering.

"Dont, dad. Please."
I begged, i begged.
He didnt listen.
So i told him a story.

The story was how i have depression. How i have anxiety. How i dont rely on my phone, i rely on the people i can connect with on it.

I told him my only friends are on the Internet. I told him they saved my life.

I didnt tell him about the scratches.
The scissors.
How they burn my skin, when i slide them down my wrist.
I didnt tell him how every time i go to the other parent's house, i pack my scissors.

I didnt tell him.

Today, the next day, my scars are out from last night.
Risky, but it's too hot for long sleeves.

I dont regret it.

I dont think i could. Ever. Im glad i did it. Im glad that i changed my emotional pain into physical. Im glad.

I nearly tweeted.
I nearly tweeted for someone to distract me, but i stopped.

I couldnt.
I nearly tweeted about my scars. I wrote it out.
But i didnt. I couldnt.

I cried last night, daddy.
I panicked.
I couldnt breathe last night.
Gasping for breath, i had to quiet myself.
I couldve gone downstairs.
I couldve done it, daddy.
I didnt, because of my friends.

Because of my Internet friends.

If it werent for them... i'd probably be dead.

Dad, I want you to hear something.
Im not writing this because i want to.
Im not writing this to be dramatic.
Im not writing this because i want sympathy.
Im not doing this because i want to share a story.
Im not doing this for me.
Im doing this so that you can understand what im feeling.

If only you cared.

I want control. I dont want to go to Emory.
I want to ride my own horse.
I want my own rules.
I want my own self.
I want my own communication levels.
I want to not fear being told what the fuck to do.
I dont want to be "that depressed kid over there"
I want to be my own person.

Daddy, i've tried.

And daddy? Have fun with my phone every night.

Daddy? Fuck you. You treat me like trash.
My friends treat me better than you ever could, father.

This turned out to be better than i anticipated! Holy fuck i love this.

Also, sorry for the hiatus. Been busy! I should be writing soon tho, so stay tuned for that

Stay awesome guys, and thanks for 1k followers! Y'all the realest