Unexplainable [Original Version]

[chapter twenty-seven: "forgive me"]

When I left for the WWF, I knew I should've done more to come back and see them, to see her. Kev had so much more time with Joli than I did; I could've done more. I knew then that I should've done more. I saw her every chance I got and I called her frequently, but I hadn't fuckin' grown up then.

I didn't even want to think about a serious relationship then, but I've always known that's what I'd have with Joli. She's so bloody perfect. I tried to deny the way I felt about her for so fuckin' long, and because of that, I distanced myself from her a bit. We've always been close and we always will be.

But, once she and Kev started to bond, I took a step back. I got scared; I've already fucked up a marriage, and it took a lot for me to want something like that again. I was so afraid of getting serious that I didn't think about the scariest thing of all.

Losing her.

I don't want to say that I regret anything, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't regret not doing more for Joli. I spent too much time fuckin' around and not putting her first. I really am so damn selfish. Kev always prioritized Joli, regardless of what else what going on. He's helped her so much, and really, what have I done?

Oh, right. I'm the reason she's not even here right now. I'm the reason she's been home for the past few months. Even then, Kev was always the one that double-checked to make sure she was okay. My weak ass could barely stand calling her, unless I knew she wasn't in pain.

"Fuck!" I can't help but laugh as I run a hand across my face. My stubble scratches at my palm as I do so.

I don't know what to do right now. I want to run, I want to scream, I want to hide... I also really just want to get things back to the way they were.

Hopefully, things will settle back to normal next week when Joli returns. It's going to be rough for me to see Joli and Kev together, but really, will they be behaving all that differently than before? Even before last weekend, they'd act like a damn couple, anyway.

You know, maybe this won't be so bad after all. As long as they're happy, I'll force a fuckin' grin onto my face. I've got to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself. If I don't get my act together, and soon, I'm going to get my ass into a much worse place.

That's the last thing I want right now. My life is good. My life is fuckin' great, actually. I have Cody. I have Joli. I have Kev. I have Kid. I have Shawn. I have Paul. My job is crazy sometimes, but it's still pretty damn nice for the most part. I have all the money I could ever need. I am in a good place.

Even if I never find love, that'll be okay. I've got my son, my best friends, and my job. Everything will be all right.

I've got to apologize to Kev. I can't keep putting this off.

I smack my cheeks a couple of times before getting up and out of my bed. A shower will be good for me right now. I grab some boxers, jeans, and a plain black tee before heading into the bathroom. After a quick shower, I get dressed and head back over to my bed.

Where should I start looking for Kev? I try to come up with some sort of plan as I slip on my socks and shoes. I'll check his room, but if he's not there, I don't know what I'll do. As far as I know, he's heading back to Norfolk today to go see Joli.

He told me his plans at lunch yesterday, but I purposely didn't pay much attention to him. I didn't want to know that they were going to be together. Shit, I'm the fuckin' worst.

I look over at the clock and check the time; it's almost noon, so it's basically time to check out of the hotel. God, I hope I can catch him before he leaves.

I quickly shove all of my shit back into my bags, once I've got my shoes on. After I do a quick sweep of the room to make sure that I haven't forgotten anything, I rush to the door. I slip on a note that's near my door and almost fall on my way out.

I pick the note up and as soon as I read it, my heart shatters.

Hey. I'm in 327 if you wanna talk. Hope you're okay this morning. Catch you later.
-Nash

Fuck, I don't deserve you, Kev. I don't deserve you at all. I shove the note into my pocket and then dart out of my room. God, I hope I'm not too late.

I'm on the first floor, and to save time, I just run up the nearby stairs. I tightly grip onto my bags as I run, trying to make sure that I don't bump into anyone on my way. I nearly swing right into a young couple as I near Kev's room, and I shout a quick "Sorry!" to them as I run.

When I reach room 327, I stop in front of it and take a deep breath. Please, don't let me be too late. I sit my bags on the floor before I knock on the door.

I wait a few moments. No response.

I knock again. Still, no response. I knock again, and again, and again, but no one ever comes.

"Kev? You in there, man?" I frown, resting one of my hands on the door. "I'm sorry."

Once more, I'm met with silence. I missed him.

I slam my fist against the door once more in what could be confused as a knock before shaking my head and pulling back. This sucks so damn much. I grab my bags and start walking over to the elevator.

Do I call him later, or do I just wait until I see him again? It's possible that I don't see him until Monday, when Joli returns. I probably need to talk to him before then.

No, I definitely do.

Begrudgingly, I begin walking over to the elevator. Once I'm inside of it, I drop my bags and wipe off the small bit of sweat that had begun to accumulate on my forehead. Shit. I should've gotten up earlier. I shouldn't have just sat around for so long.

The elevator reaches the main floor of the hotel and once I'm out of the building, I flag down a cab. I toss my bags into the backseat before sliding in after them. The driver starts heading off towards the airport, and as I sit there, I lean against the door.

I'm glad that the guy isn't trying to start a conversation with me, because I honestly don't feel like talking. I just want to go home and apologize to my best friend.

I sit back up for a moment and reach my hand into my pocket, so that I can pull out the note that Kev left me. I read it once more, and as my eyes scan the paper, I can't stop myself from feeling like absolute shit.

I'll find some sort of way to make it up to Kev, and if don't, I'm not sure what I'll do.

This next week, I'm going to have to spend a lot of time figuring myself out. I have to get my priorities in line and fix my attitude; otherwise, I'll just make everything worse.

Kev, I hope you can forgive me, big guy. I know I really fucked up this time.