tale of times

a letter..

To,
The lady I dearly love,

Greetings from this old acquaintance of yours, or so you had said the last time we met. Years have passed since then, and I may have vanished from your thoughts by now, evolving into what some might say a complete stranger, people who don't know each other and aren't aware of their respective pasts? We were never too close to begin with, so I won't make the mistake of blaming you for it, just like I won't blame you for not reading all those countless letters I have written for you, that lie buried in my cupboards and drawers. Maybe you would have liked it more had I delivered them to you written on decorated papers with scent of rose and hints of pink, but I never knew your address, like you never knew my name. Some may wonder, why do I still write to you, if I know my words will never reach to you, but for that I don't really have an answer. Maybe I write because I don't want to forget these feelings I have for you, these realizations about you that crawl up from the abyss you left behind in my heart even long after you were gone, or simply because sometimes the thoughts are too much to be prisoned in the mind and I must let them out to preserve my sanity. But I am sure that you'll never be granted a chance to read this letter just like its predecessors, not at least from me, and not anywhere in the near future. Yet I must write it because I am bound to, just to satisfy that small part of me which still craves for you and sadly these are the only kind of conversation I can have with you at the moment.

You know what? Before we met, I never believed in the concept of perfect timing. I was skeptic about the idea that the relation between two people, who are capable of understanding each other, capable of sharing the same interests and view points can ever be affected by something as trivial as the time they get to know each other. Sure they will have their experiences and their pasts but somehow, I always believed that two souls who are meant to be together will always find a way to each other irrespective of whatever their condition is, and yet, I was wrong. Call it my naivety or an error that comes packaged with my optimism,  but I failed to imagine how  the hauntings of the past can change the person forever, how the sadness felt for a moment can damage the soul for eternity, that how volatile trust can become and how impermeable the hearts can turn.

I remember the time when we were still 20, when I was working part time as a waiter at the cafe near your university, and you a regular customer there. I was envious of all the students who visited there, as they were living my long cherished dream of reading in the institute, but I guess I shouldn't blame them for my own incapablities of being able to score well when I needed to. So I just worked, with people who were about twice my age, while keeping my head low, eyes hidden under the cap to avoid anyone from finding out about my age. The cafe was always filled, 24 hours irrespective of the day, irrespective of the time, irrespective of the weather as if everyone wanted to make me feel envious and jealous, to suffer for my failures and wrong choices. And that was when I started noticing you for the first time. You were a regular too, who would always occupy the window seat with another guy and order iced coffee with chocolate chips.

What caught my attention wasn't your beauty. Not that I didn't find you beautiful, your dark eyes with a slight hint of blue paired with the short shoulder length auburn hair were enough to knock any guy off his feet, but what attracted me to you was the sadness that always lingered in your eyes, the scars that would show up on your wrist and hands from beneath those full sleeved shirts as you'd lift your hands to receive your order, the momentary hesitation and regret that'll flash across your face when the guy holds your hands when you're about to leave. And I was sure you were longing for someone to notice them, but sadly, the person who you thought was the one who you could trust a lot was quite oblivious to your plight.

There were  of course times when I felt like I should start talking to you. You won't realise, how many times I had practised to say a 'hello' when I delivered your order to you, but failed to do so the moment you look at me and force a smile on your tired face. So I just watched you from distance, noticing how your moods changed,  how you slowly sipped your coffee while playing with the chocolate chips  holding the spoon, how the number of scars that appeared on your  skin grew in number and intensity. Incomprehensible to the thoughts of an incapable mind you were like a star, slowly fading away from the night sky, and such was my agony, that I could only watch you disappear,  helplessly.

And then that night arrived, when the city was flooding with rain. I was pulling down the shutter of the store when I caught you walking towards me, splashing water loudly from across the streets. Your broken glasses were tucked in one of your pockets and a bottle of rum in another. I knew what you wanted to ask me for, and a part of me had always wanted to do it, to tear apart everything that you have been wearing and devour your body. . I even felt pangs of jealousy imagining the other guy holding you, in one of those night,  but that's all I could have done anyway. And yet that night when I had the chance to satisfy all my desires and curiosity,  all I did was hold you tightly, as you broke down in my arms and there we were, two lost souls standing in the silence of night under the rain. I don't remember what happened next but i remember carrying you on my back through the water clogged streets to the old apartment that lied ruined and abandoned in the heart of the campus. You woke up as we reached the roof and just as if to greet us the sky had become clear giving way to a lovely moon in a sea of stars. 

I still remember how you smiled when you looked at the kitten that was lying cowering in the corner and took it in your lap as we sat beside each other staring at the sky. You were silent, probably surprised by how things had turned out and I was glad I made the right choice. You then slowly pulled out the bottle from your pocket and took a sip of rum and then extended it to me asking if I wanted some. I had never tasted alcohol but decided to gulp it down anyway because I didn't want to have any more of it. The taste was sure awful.
'Greedy' you said half whining.

'It doesn't suit you. ' I replied. 'Try to stay away from it'

'You sound like my father now. Am sure he would have done the same, had he caught me on this situation.'

I wanted to ask more about him but decided against it. 'Any more of the things you want me to stay away from?'

I pulled up your sleeve and pointedat the scars.

'You noticed?"
"Of course I did. How could I ever not?"

"I wonder if I can ever shine like those stars", you asked softly, your head against my chest, while still staring at the night sky.

'I believe you can. We are all made of stars anyway.' I had replied, and yet somehow the image that formed in my mind back then, was that of a blackhole, a dead star that stopped existing and can never be seen again, but it just exists there, absorbing everything that comes by it, giving out none.

And while you slept silently your face buried in my chest,  I finally realized what I had lost.

Our lives continued as usual after that night. Few things changed, few remained same. I was back to being the waiter who would serve people their orders without opening his mouth and you were again the girl who sat at the window every evening ordering an ice cream coffee with extra choco chips, but this time there was no guy with her. There would be either a book that she would be pacing her fingers through while playing with her straw or she'd be humming to some music with her ear plugs on, tapping her hands on the table. But every time she received her order now, her smile was genuine.

As the seasons passed by, you graduated and left the place leaving behind a vacuum in the cafeteria and in my heart that noone else could feel. I never tried to date anyone else, nor that I could bring myself to. And that's when I realized how does it feel,  to hold onto something, that always belonged to you, but can never be yours.

Maybe I will meet you someday in future. Maybe you would be married to some handsome man and having a kid or two,  a very definition of a happy family. Or maybe you'd be still single because you don't want to be hurt anymore. But all I know is that had  we met earlier we could have become something more than just two strangers who spent a night together. Both of us knew we understood each other but we were both no longer in the shape to comfort each other anymore. And for that parting ways was the only inevitable thing that awaited us, and that is the burden of truth I will have to bear for the rest of my life.

Your most sincere admirer,
......