The Continuing Adventures of Renaissance Gonzo: The Great Florida Expedition

Day 2: Calibration

So, after the idiotic proceedings of the previous night, and after my broad had talked my RLCP down from his anxiety-pocked ledge, I got a text from Rufus saying he and Bernie would like to take me to lunch down at Centro Ybor, one of Tampa's cool little districts that has some great restaurants, a bunch of cigar stores, and a bunch of tattoo parlors. We went to a place called Hamburger Mary's for lunch. Now, Hamburger Mary's is the burger joint equivalent of a gay bar. It was AWESOME, and apparently I didn't get to see any of the really cool stuff. They got drag shows up in that bi-atch! The decor was delightfully and fruitfully tacky. Pink and rainbows and feathers everywhere! Ordered a blue-cheese burger and a beer and thoroughly enjoyed.

Then it was time to cruise the district. Holy fuck. The place looks really gritty and rad, like it coulda' been an old pirate haven (Hell, it might have been. I've been slacking on my history this trip.). Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, there was a low-rider/fast-and-the-furious/douche-bag convention going on down there. The streets were lined with Hondas and Mazdas and Toyotas and Scions and Kias and a few Beamers, Benzes, and even a 'Vette, but none of them were any good. Most had rear spoilers that could've lifted either of the Southwest Airlines jets in which I flew. Most had stupid looking metal flake paint in green or gold or blue, and tacky pin-striping jobs. Most had hydraulics and were slammed on the ground; a few of these - the especially douchey ones - had axels which allowed them to flair their wheels out at a ridiculous angle. Almost all had absurd, juvenile-looking aftermarket parts pasted on here and there with no discernible reason evident.

Now, I like cars. Real cars. With big-block engines. Preferably made before 1970 (New Lamborghinis will always have my heart). This shit is so not my scene... Look! Over there! A bunch of douchebags and bimbos who like douchebags looking at their tacky fucking cars and acting like they're the kings and princesses (baby mamas) of shit mountain! Interesting people watching, I'll say that much.

After a quick walk around the block, we decided we needed to get back to base to take care of Mr. Martin, the baby goldendoodle waiting patiently for us to return so he could piss. Mr. Martin is four months old, weighs twenty six pounds, and looks like the most lovely bundle of fluff and paws you've ever seen. I fell in love with him instantly.

For most of the day, I guess, Rufus and Bernie and I had a lot of the same conversations that we'd had on Saturday night - you know, those conversations I don't remember? (Fuckin' 'ell!) I also got set up on the XBox and blew some shit up for a while.

At 6:00, we went to the neighbors' house for steaks. Rad!

The neighbors were great!! Their names were (not) Tammy and Chris. Their home is right next door to Rufus and Bernie's place. Tammy is a wonderful Latina woman who has charm for days. Her husband, Chris, is a retired Marine (there are no former Marines), who is also very charming and likeable. Bernie had batched up and brought some lovely celery cocktails (I hate vegetables, but blend 'em up in a cocktail and I'm all 'bout that salad, Yo.), and Rufus had made a real veggie tray. I made stupid grunting noises and brought those with me.

We talked for a while around the kitchen while Tammy was finishing up the sides and Chris was grilling the steaks. Once the food was ready, we had a great conversation around the dining table and some pretty fucking amazing steaks! I was really grateful for Chris and Tammy's hospitality. They're lovely people.

And that's it for day two, really. Like I said - nothing too debaucherous goin' down. We went back to the house, I played some XBox, called my broad, and went to bed. Now - I didn't feel the need to make anything outrageous up for this particular day because It was a calibration day. I had to get my pacing down. Let me assure you, dear reader, my pacing is down, now, and we're gonna have some fun with the next couple of days. Mwahahahahahah!!!!