Nostalgia | Dazai Osamu

10 | Burnt

It wasn't the first time I thought about death. There had been a few close calls when I bargained with my life for a mission and I wondered what would happen if the odds would have been different. However, this never prevented me from anything that Mori threw at me and it never made me concern any less. Slip ups were only to be learnt from. Nothing more.

On a brighter note, they where the enemy team and they would naturally try and side-track my mind to make me weaker. They had no evidence to show me that my death awaits to take my hand to hell, but for some reason I felt a pinch of trust. The Agency were the 'good people' in Yokohama- to be sly and tricksy wasn't in their books since it was the Mafias signature style. Dazai also put his trust into the President too and I wouldn't be surprised if all of his words turned out to be correct...

The white streaks was only a mere thing last time. Perhaps a murderous trip with Chuuya could simply ease all of this? Maybe adding extra darkness would push this all out?

Did I even have time to think about this?

I sighed, annoyed I had more things to stress over and finished my coffee.

When I had finished ten minuets later, I saw a familiar figure walking down the opposite road through the window. For a second, it looked like Dazai but I could easily be wrong.

For some reason a spark of hope ignited.

No, don't let those feelings come back....

I was also yet to sort out my reoccurring, unwanted emotions for Dazai, too.

Knowing that, I stared at the figure again, still hoping it was him. I needed someone to talk to right now.

They did have the same colour coat... Did Dazai come after me? Something in my mind snapped.

You can not love him.

But maybe he was worried? He's out in the rain after all.

Why do you care if he is worried or a bit wet?

Something snapped again.

You could be dying. Any day could be your last moment.

That had silenced the voice inside my head. What if I really was dying...?

Perhaps seeing Dazai for a few minuets wouldn't be so bad, like last time. Besides, I feel a slight tinge or remorse for slamming the door in his face when his intentions was to raise awareness... For caring for my well being.

I placed down my cup, stood up, and left. If he really did come after me, perhaps he was really was concerned. The cold hit me straight in the face again as I left through the door, laughing at me. I groaned loudly, wiping my face from the sudden splash of frigid water. I quickly crossed the street, colliding with other people, calling his name...

He never heard me, but I kept an eye on the distant figure. The rain was like a thousand crashes of waves.

I kept advancing through the rain and the bundle of people, pushing past just to speak to Dazai. Just to see if it really was him.

I must have been calling for ages, following a man I wasn't sure was the one I wanted to see...

I ended up in a forgein place in Yokohama I had never been to before, still hoping he would hear my cries. I jogged around a corner to chase him and I stopped when I saw how deserted it was.

There was no one in sight. Just me and the downpour.

That's when I gave up.

I lost him. If it really was him.