Guns And Roses~ Destiel AU

Wishes and whispers~ part one

{Castiel}
WARNING! Triggering

I wish I had the strength to get through all this.

I wish I didn't have to do this.

I wish I had the strength to change.

I wish I could be who everyone wants me to be.

I wish I wasn't me.

I wish I didn't buy this gun.

I wish I didn't load it so.

I wish this gun wasn't so easy to hold.

I wish it didn't fit so easily underneath my chin.

I wish this world wasn't so hostile.

I wish everyone didn't hate me.

I wish I had enough strength not to stall in doing what needs to be done.

I wish I had enough strength to love correctly.

I wish I could be enough.

I wish that I wasn't alone.

I wish I wasn't such a sinner.

I wish I could do this.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish; I wish; I wish.

I wish there really was a God up there, in the Heaven I'll never get to. I wish he cared.

But I'll burn.

I'll burn.

Even with the gun, shining in the light of the small lamp on the desk, sitting next to him, Castiel was remarkably calm.

His pale face was lit in the light of his computer, which was opened to his blog.

His fingers, which had been typing slowly just a minute before, were now still.

Castiel waited. His fingers trembled. His whole body trembled.

He picked up the gun, the metal cool in his fingers.

He toyed with it, coldly, idly.

He felt the smooth patterns grooved into it, running his fingers over the swirls and dips.

He sighed. In the unheated apartment, his breath plumed in the air.

Click. Castiel had chambered the single bullet.

One bullet that I won't waste.

He held the gun up in the lamplight, to see it better.

It was the most beautiful thing he'd seen in a while.

"I miss you, Dean Winchester." He whispered, rolling the syllables off his tongue like holy words.

He held the gun underneath his chin.

His finger trembled upon the trigger.

Don't miss.

Don't waste.

Castiel didn't waste the bullet.

He fired it.

Straight into the wall.

Gasping for breath in-between sudden sobs, Castiel slumped over his desk, head in his hands. His body was racked with heaves.

Why?