What you leave behind

Bags

I start running, bounding, racing as fast as I can.
I don't want to be late.
I don't want them to wait for me.
Then I stop, my breath catches.
I can't breathe.
I can't.
I.
Breathe.

And then I'm falling.
And I'm not breathing.
I'm dying.
I'm alive.
I'm falling.
You're falling.
Hovering in midair.
Almost peaceful.
But I can see you're scared.
Too late now.
Once you jump, you're gone.
Forever.
Ring, ring.
Ring, ring.
You have one new message.
6:24pm
Beep
"Hey Mila, how far away are you? We're just outside the shopping centre. Text me when you're near.
Beep.
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Forever.
I could do it you know.
End it all.
Take a deep breath and a flying leap.
Or run to the bathroom and swallow sleeping pills.
Or...

But I know I won't. I can't. I'm not like you Sammy. I know how much it will hurt. I know how my mother will feel. And I won't, I can't do that to her. And there's hope. There's always hope. And I understand that.

So I carry on walking.
Carry on breathing. Keep my eyes on the concrete and don't flicker back.
Back to your body, spreadeagled on the pavement. Rivers of blood snaking through the cracks.

Step on the crack
Break your back.

Isn't it funny? That we used to play games like that. As if breaking your back was nothing. When you're a kid you think you're immortal.
You think these things will never happen to you. You'll cry at movies and get sad at books but you never think this stuff happens.
Till one day, it shatters. A car drives too fast, hospital results come back positive, the heart monitor stops. The moment you understand they aren't coming back.
You see your first funeral and start to understand that this is the beginning of the end.
You've seen your first funeral.
You'll see many more.
Or maybe you won't reach your next one.
And it'll be your friends and family dressed in black.

I guess I'm still a kid. I still haven't quite understood that they're not coming back.

I can see the shopping mall from here. Light glints off the glass roof. Blinding.

I can see them from here. A crowd of kids.
Laughing, looking up as their fingers tap away at smartphone screens.

"Mila!"
Cameron jogs towards me, smiling.
"Hey. Sorry I'm late."
"No problem, Leila's only just arrived."
I smile and start walking towards the group.
"Hi."
Blue-haired girl steps towards me. She puts a hand on my arm.
"Okay boys if you want to come shopping you can, if not, shove off to the smoothie bar."
No one moves.
"Okay let's go."
We walk in the way that groups normally walk, splitting off into conversations, losing people at shop windows. It's nice.

It's normal.
I'm normal.

We stop at one of those teenage high street stores, with crop tops and pricey photo booths.
"Let's go here!" Leila smiles and pulls me inside. Everyone follows, laughing and tugging on each other's arms. She steers me towards the changing room, loading my arms with dresses and tops. "They should fit you, go try them on!"
I smile and stumble into the dressing room.
And then I stop. And I can see myself.
I hate it.
I'm skinny and stupid and...I'll never look nice.
I'll never.
I hate it.
Pretty clothes can't hide the ugliness inside.
I carefully fold every item of clothing and then sit down.
I'll wait five minutes then tell them that nothing fits and this is a waste of time.

I'm a waste of time.

I cover my face.
I don't want to see my reflection.
"Hey! You decent? I want to see the first outfit!"
I can see Leila's shadow on the other side of the curtain.
"No! I'm not decent don't come in!"
"Whoah easy tiger, I wasn't going to just burst in. Hurry up!"
I forgot I have people watching out for me now.
I stand up and slip on the first dress I see.
I step out without looking in the mirror.
"Wow! You look great! Come show the others!"
Leila drags me outside,
"Doesn't she look great?"
There are murmurs of assent from the people gathered around the changing room door.

Cameron nods and gives me a thumbs up.
Leila grins, then pulls me back inside to finish trying things on.
I leave with three bags full of clothes handpicked for me by Leila.
"What now?"
"Whatever you want. But I'm not hungry yet so....how about makeup?"

I smile.
This feels nice. Having people pick for me, look after me. They're not friends yet. They're carers. And they know it.
Pop music attacks my ears as I am pushed into the bright lights of the make up store. My hand is grabbed and used for swatches. A pretty redhead named....named......Holly seems to take charge of the situation, testing concealer out on my neck.
"This is good. It'll hide the bags under your eyes."

Bags under my eyes.
Bags in my hands.

Cameron laughs and tries to slip a blue lipstick into our basket.
Leila slaps his hand away jokingly.
I wonder if they're a couple?
Maybe.

I'm in a noticing mood.
Everything seems plastic and tarnished.
Half the packets are open.  
There is a small stain by my left foot that looks suspiciously like blood.
Blood.
Bags under my eyes.

I think I'm going to faint.
"I think I'm going to faint!"
I can hear them talking.
But I can't hear what they're saying.
Maybe they think I'm pretending.
The pop music reaches a crescendo and blocks out everything.
It gets louder and louder till I'm holding my ears and begging anyone to make it stop.
Stop!

I can see the shelves rising up till they look like
they're going to crush me. Crushed. And my head hits the floor.
The bright lights go out.
And there is silence.
darkness.