Despacito~♡~ Jamilton ✓

19

I never really like the quiet until now.

I cross the street and head back to my dorm. Hoping Hamilshit isn't there. I open the door and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I wasn't ready to face him with the guilt and hurt I was carrying. Not to mention I hurt him pretty bad..

And I feel horrible. I do. But I can't let him see that and I actually question why I feel so hurt about hurting him.

"Thomas?"

I break out of what might have been a trance and my eyes meet Aaron. "O-oh..hi."

"Welcome back to earth. You've been standing there for about three minutes staring at the wall." He says as I step into the dorm and sit on the couch.

"I have a lot on my mind."

"Alexander?"

"Yea-no. What makes you think-"

"Thomas. Don't question how I know what I know." Burr then walked past me and headed to the door.

"Where are you going?"

He stops to think before opening his mouth again. "I'm going to go help Theo."

"Help? Why, what happened?"

"Her..husband is pissed and she I guess was scared."

"So you think that going over to her and her husband is not going to get you beat up. Especially since you're like her side man?" I drawed, raising an eyebrow at him.

He scrunched his eyebrows. "I know what I'm doing."

"If you did you wouldn't do what you're about to do."

"Thomas you shouldn't open your mouth."

"Why's that?"

"Because you don't even know what you're doing. Stop trying to correct me when you're in the wrong."

I roll my eyes, leaning back. "I'm wrong?"

He leans in the door way. "You're wrong and you're blind."

"Okay."

"Okay." And then he left.

I close my eyes, laughing. He was going to get his ass beat.

....HaMILTON

"So....you like him?

"Liked him. Past tense."

"You liked him. Despite him bullying you since high school and you didn't tell any of us because you didn't want him killing you?"

"Y-yeah.." I mutter, still not looking up.

"And you STILL liked him? Even after he beat you and hospitalized you!?"

"Y-yes.."

There was a deafening silence and I could feel their eyes judging me. That's why I didn't want to tell them.

"...I mean..if you like him-" Lafayette started but I cut him off.

"I don't like him anymore. I hate him."

"Well-"

"Can we just not have this conversation?" I snap, lifting my head and glaring at them. All of them.

"Alex we're just trying to-"

"Help? Yeah well I don't need any help. All you guys do is pity 'little Alexander' because he's an orphan or because he isn't normal like everyone else."

They all looked shocked, some even hurt. Especially Lafayette. "Alexander who said that?" Angelica said, coming out as more of a mutter.

Jefferson...he said that. Do I actually believe him?

Bullshit. You know they would never pity you. They're your friends. They have you back.

If they had my back...I wouldn't occasionally feel lonely..

You're not lonely. You have-

"Alexander?"

You have Martha-

"Alex!"

You have Washington but they don't care-

"Peggy you're not helping!"

Mom wouldn't have died, dad wouldn't have left. Can't you see? I'm a fucking disgrace! Jefferson was right, I should just kill myself. Do the whole world a favor.

"Alex! Alex please say something!"

Eliza.

Eliza.

"E-Eliza.." I barely say. I can't speak, my throat feels like it's clogged. My eyes burn and my vision is blotchy.

Am I dying?

"No! Alexander you're not dying!"

What's happening?

"I think you're having a panic attack- mon ami, stay calm."

I try to listen but there's noise all around me. Insults, memories, noise. I can hear Jefferson's laugh (aha ha ha sorry XD)
I can see his smirk, he's laughing while I cry. He's happy. Well he'll be happy when I'm dead.

·°°·
For those who are confused. Here's another shitty chapter summary.)

Alexander yet again had another panic attack though he can't exactly figure out how get gets them. Earlier in the conversation, he grew unsteady when Jefferson's name had been spoken. This made him remember the guilt and emotions he felt for this tall Virginian and the argument hurt him even more because he had a developing crush on Thomas. In the conversation with the group, they disgust why Alexander still liked him even though Jefferson brutally beat him. Alex explains that Jefferson would've killed him if he told. (His friends don't know why he actually left their high school though) Alex then begins to feel judged, adding up to the anxiety he already had about telling his group about liking his bully. He instantly grows irritated and tries to shut them up but ends up having a mental debate with himself.

Jefferson had told Hamilton that everyone pitys him which sadly, Alexander took to the heart. He begins to slip into a panic attack after saying "He occasionally feels lonely" which in his case, is a fear of his. Most panic attacks are triggered by memories or fears- in which being alone and Jefferson are one of them.  He starts to consider the thought of killing himself, thinking Jefferson might be happy to see him dead. Alexander at this point just wants to die. This will affect the outcome of some events in the future. Keep note of Marquis de Lafayette's behavior. It doesn't seem very important but will be important later when Alexander tries to figure out what is wrong with the frenchman. Hopefully he does before it's too late.