Noggin Dump

The Swimming Pool

Imagine yourself, seated on the floor of a filled swimming pool.

The water ripples above you, distorting everything above.

You are floating, numb, unfeeling to the real, outside world.

You are alone.

This, in essence, is what my last year felt like.

The last breath of air that I took before my plunge into the water was quickly fading--

Just as my memories of happiness and normalcy were drifting away.

My lungs began to burn. It hurt. It's all I thought about.

The desire to leap to the surface and take a fresh breath consumed me.

And yet, I found myself stuck, seated on the floor of a filled swimming pool.

Usually, there were people on the surface.

Do they see me?

Do they care?

In my worst moments, these questions held no meaning.

It would've been so easy to just sit there, forever. To drown.

I deserve this.

I don't deserve any better.

I'm just a waste of space, anyhow.

I only hurt the people who I cared about.

There were those who wanted to help me but didn't know how.

There were those who didn't give a fuck.

But there are also those who loved and did everything in their power to get me back on my feet.

However, they could only do so much.

After all, they were human, too, with lives and struggles of their own.

It didn't mean they didn't love me.

It meant that they have their own matters to mind.

They are not Holy Healers.

I had to find my own strength.

I had to realize that the person who manipulated me was wrong, not I.

I had to tell myself that the only person who defined me, was me.

I had to tell the voices in my head to 

Fuck 

Off!

It wasn't easy. It took time.

But eventually, I stood.

And with help, I climbed out of that goddamn pool.

But my hair is still damp.